invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

quotes April 26, 2009

Filed under: inspiration,peace — clementine @ 2:39 pm
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peace

peace quotes by kids:

flowerpowergun555x444
Let the sun shine in the night time and please no more dying.
Please let us have peace and no more fighting. People are dying.

Southwest Elementary
San Antonio, TX, US
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Peace remained by my side until I understood
what she wanted from me—that I be free

Parque Ecologico
Porangaba, Brazil
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why destroy when we could create,
Keep the peace, erase the hate.

Normal Community West High School
Normal, IL, US
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Let it blow in your direction
Let it touch you, melt you and mould you

SOS-Hermann Gmeiner International College, secondary school
Tema, Ghana

 

light January 14, 2009

I can finally see the light. Not sure how long it will last but things are a little better. We somehow managed to pay our January rent and are now figuring out how to pay February’s rent.

I have decided to stay on the Celexa and Xanax until things calm down. If you know me, you know how difficult this decision was. I dream of a life free of meds, those meds that only help me escape and of course damage my body, my brain. Several of my side effects are gone though, the insomnia…finally. I think that was the Abilify and it is completely out of my system, I hope. No more slurred speech, feeling like a zombie.

Good riddance to a nasty drug.

I can’t find the commercial on youtube that has been running constantly on television but it basically sends this message and not once in the ad is Abilify described for what it is, an antipsychotic. Instead they are flat out deceiving the public into believing this is an “alternative” to be taken in conjunction with an antidepressant. The following information all comes from the Abilify website where you clearly see the words: ABILIFY as add-on therapy for depression. REALLY?!?

Finding relief from unresolved symptoms of depression can be challenging. Medicine can affect each person differently. A clinical study showed that many people with depression did not achieve adequate symptom relief after taking an antidepressant.

If you’re still dealing with unresolved symptoms of depression even after trying one or more antidepressants, it may be time for you and your healthcare professional to consider adding ABILIFY to your antidepressant treatment. You may be able to achieve additional symptom relief.

Clinical studies compared the use of an antidepressant plus placebo (sugar pill) with the use of an antidepressant plus ABILIFY. When ABILIFY was added to their antidepressant treatment, people experienced significant improvement in their symptoms of depression compared to people treated with an antidepressant plus placebo.

ABILIFY is approved by the FDA to help improve symptoms in adults with major depression when added to an antidepressant. Although everyone responds to medication differently, in clinical trials with add-on ABILIFY, some patients experienced a significant improvement in symptoms of depression as early as 1 to 2 weeks.

The advertisement runs fairly long because these jokers need to tell you the disgusting side effects, where again, Abilify pretends to be an antidepressant:

Antidepressants may increase suicidal thoughts or behaviors in some children, teenagers, and young adults, especially within the first few months of treatment or when the dose is changed. Depression and other serious mental illnesses are themselves associated with an increase in the risk of suicide. Patients on antidepressants and their families or caregivers should watch for new or worsening depression symptoms, unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient’s healthcare professional right away, especially if they are severe or occur suddenly. ABILIFY is not approved for use in pediatric patients with depression. Elderly people with psychosis related to dementia (for example, an inability to perform daily activities as a result of increased memory loss), treated with antipsychotic medicines including ABILIFY, are at an increased risk of death compared to placebo. ABILIFY is not approved for the treatment of people with dementia-related psychosis.

Hopefully soon these ads will disappear, they will be outlawed. Enough on this subject and back to what was to be my original post. I am taking small steps. Trying to eat healthier (not easy with little money) but I’m opting for soup vs. a .99 frozen pizza. I’ve gained at least 10 pounds since going back on meds a month or so ago and really need to watch what I put into my body. I’m hoping to get out and start walking again-I used to walk 5 miles a day and I miss it. But it is so very cold right now, not the best time to start. I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped by sending good thoughts. Knowing I’m not alone has been what’s kept me alive for so many years. So, truly, thank you very much.

 

life January 4, 2009

Filed under: life,love,peace — clementine @ 12:29 am
Tags: , ,

i’m watching Good Will Hunting and I completely forgot how much I love this film, for many reasons. fifteen plus years of therapy and I’ve never been fortunate enough to meet a Sean Maguire (the Robin Williams character) type. too bad. but such is life, maybe someday.

my cat is snoring. bundled in blanket. i would take a picture but i don’t want to wake him. oh, the simple, sweet things in life.

just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. her brother is dying, she’s staying up with him in ICU tonight. the doctor said maybe two days, if that. born with downs syndrome and is 53. a long life. but now, dementia. pneumonia. she is in a good place. shock, most likely. and i just want to hug my loved ones.

 

2009, in with a…zzzzzz January 1, 2009

Filed under: antidepressants,life,peace — clementine @ 9:48 am
Tags: , , , ,

i rarely drink anymore. therefore, i tend to stay in while others are out ringing in the new year…drinking, puking, drinking more, silly hats and glasses, large crowds and did i mention drinking? occasionally i will enjoy a new years toast at home, a glass of champagne and that is it. but mostly new years eve reminds me of my ‘drinking years’ and those are years i would like to forget.

last night two friends of ours came over and we watched WALL-E. that was over at 11:30p. and then we talked a bit, switched the channel to see Dick Clark announcing Happy New Year. a few kisses and then more conversation. two hours of it i believe. the next thing I know my swain is waking me. i looked around the living room and our friends were gone. i had fallen asleep, sitting upright on the couch, right in front of them. ah, such is life.

this morning. 7:55am. wide awake. although my body craves sleep. it is screaming, sleep…sleep…sleep…and i’m lucky to get 6 hours of it these days. i am going to cut my dosage of celexa in half and slowly taper off. i’ve had enough of this insomnia and lethargy business.

and now, back to reality. our rent is due today. we are short $275.00. Technically we have until 4:30p on the 5th to pay it. I’m hoping for a miracle at this point. Yes, the donation button is still on my page for a reason but I realize most of you are in the same boat. this is when life gets tricky, those triggers that can knock you down. i will do my best to remain strong. in this case the failing economy and lack of work are major triggers for me and i must be careful. i will end with a prayer for peace. for us all. thanks to gianna for this.

english

 

a new year and new beginnings December 31, 2008

this is what i do know:

1) i am a simple girl and cannot write as eloquently or intelligently as so many of you out there. i am (kinda) okay with this.

2) i am 35 and for 15+ years of my life I have been on/off psychiatric medications. not one of them worked long-term. many (too many) of them had horrific side effects and long-term side effects that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life, possibly.

3) Big Pharma is not there to help the mentally ill, cure us, or even make us feel better. Big Pharma=Big Money in their pockets. Whether it be a Prozac Nation or an Atypical Antipsychotic Nation, they do not want a Healthy Nation. In simple terms, they would lose a tremendous amount of money since psychiatric medications are their best selling drugs.

4) Doctors are becoming more and more corrupt. The Joe Biederman’s and Charles B. Nemeroff’s of the world are proof of this. Doctors in the mental health field seem to both listen and care less. We are becoming numbers, not patients. I know this from experience. A therapist who dozed off during our session (a session I was paying good money for!) Numerous psychiatrists that write multiple prescriptions without even blinking or thinking. with no warning of the drug’s side effects or withdrawal symptoms. We see doctors prescribing multiple medications to children while their brains are still developing and they are not willing to figure out what’s really going on with these children. It’s all about the quick fix regardless of the severe and damaging consequences.

5) We need more science. period.

what i don’t know and the rest, after some soul-searching, i have decided to travel my own path. i will figure it out along the way. i will continue to do my own research. i will try new things like meditation, yoga and supplements. and revisit things that have worked for me in the past, acupuncture, keeping an open mind. all in hopes of finding a balance. my center. i will continue writing as it the best form of therapy for me right now. i will attempt to face a past traumatic experience and figure out how to let it go. its grasp is still there after so many years and can be crippling at times. i will attempt to stop seeking understanding from those that may never understand and instead, live my life. after all, it is my body, my mind and i don’t know how long i’ll be here on earth. i need to make the best of my life, no matter how difficult it may feel or get at times.

i will seek more love, forgiveness and peace in the new year.

and i’m wishing a happy new year to all of you!

 

happy holidays December 24, 2008

Filed under: depression,donate,life,love,peace — clementine @ 8:21 am
Tags: , , ,

our holiday party went well. many people packed into our house. cold outside. a few windows had to be opened from the body heat, wood burning in the fireplace and the food cooking in the kitchen. friends brought homemade hot cocoa. wine. red velvet cupcakes. cookies and brownies. salads. teriyaki chicken sticks. meat pies. cheese. crackers. and plenty leftover for us. thankfully, since we are broke. i was okay surrounded by many for the first time in a long time. no anxiety. no insecurities. i was just me.

my parents sent christmas presents and a few friends brought gifts. my parents also sent target gift cards, mostly spent on food but we were able to buy a few presents for each other. we will have a nice christmas morning under the lights. and then back to reality. how to pay the january rent? it will work out, i know. i must have hope. if you can donate, the button is still there on the right.

i hope all of you have a wonderful holiday. i hope you feel peace, love and understanding. i know i will. under the tree full of good memories from the past and present. decorated with my grandmother’s ornaments. the many ornaments given to me by my parents. and the handmade ones. colorful lights. all a delight. it’s the little things i treasure most.

dsc006031

 

finally… February 27, 2008

Filed under: peace — clementine @ 12:37 pm
Tags: ,

snow