invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

2009, in with a…zzzzzz January 1, 2009

Filed under: antidepressants,life,peace — clementine @ 9:48 am
Tags: , , , ,

i rarely drink anymore. therefore, i tend to stay in while others are out ringing in the new year…drinking, puking, drinking more, silly hats and glasses, large crowds and did i mention drinking? occasionally i will enjoy a new years toast at home, a glass of champagne and that is it. but mostly new years eve reminds me of my ‘drinking years’ and those are years i would like to forget.

last night two friends of ours came over and we watched WALL-E. that was over at 11:30p. and then we talked a bit, switched the channel to see Dick Clark announcing Happy New Year. a few kisses and then more conversation. two hours of it i believe. the next thing I know my swain is waking me. i looked around the living room and our friends were gone. i had fallen asleep, sitting upright on the couch, right in front of them. ah, such is life.

this morning. 7:55am. wide awake. although my body craves sleep. it is screaming, sleep…sleep…sleep…and i’m lucky to get 6 hours of it these days. i am going to cut my dosage of celexa in half and slowly taper off. i’ve had enough of this insomnia and lethargy business.

and now, back to reality. our rent is due today. we are short $275.00. Technically we have until 4:30p on the 5th to pay it. I’m hoping for a miracle at this point. Yes, the donation button is still on my page for a reason but I realize most of you are in the same boat. this is when life gets tricky, those triggers that can knock you down. i will do my best to remain strong. in this case the failing economy and lack of work are major triggers for me and i must be careful. i will end with a prayer for peace. for us all. thanks to gianna for this.



crazy meds, insomnia continues December 26, 2008

The last three days I have literally bolted out of bed before 6am, wide awake. 5:55am today. went to bed around 2am. highly unusual for me. As I’ve stated before, I never awake until 9, 10 or 11ish unless I have to be somewhere. and it’s not uncommon at all (actually happens very frequently) to wake before the sun rises when I’m on a shoot. but I’m not working. I’m unemployed and suddenly after 35 years of being nocturnal, I am a morning person and not sleeping. Is this part of life, getting older? or is it the Celexa? I’m going with the latter because the ‘morning person’ thing began shortly after I started taking the Celexa. My face and body are bloated and I’m feeling, well, depressed. So much for antidepressants. I’ve always thought if I need to be medicated it should be a mood stabilizer but alas, I hit a plateau with the Lamictal last winter and could no longer afford my prescription at 171/month.

So, it seems we (those with a mental illness) have four choices:

1) Antipsychotics: Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, Geodon, etc..

nasty side effects and who knows what kind of long term risks. I was a zombie on Seroquel, I gained 50 pounds in less than two months and it leads to diabetes. I recently had bizarre side effects on Abilify. Anyway, all sorts of lawsuits against the makers of these drugs. enough said.

2) Antidepressants: Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Serzone, etc…

a plethora of side effects ranging from insomnia, weight gain, headache, nausea, dry mouth, sweating, sleepiness, diarrhea or constipation, loss of libido, loss of coordination and memory loss. I’m sure I am forgetting some but that would be due to my “memory loss” thanks to these meds. My swain took Serzone for years for his anxiety, he figured, sure, it might destroy my liver but it gets me out of the house and functioning. How is that fair? It’s hard to find these days and he no longer takes it.

3) Mood Stabilizers: Lamictal, Depakote, Lithium, etc.

I love crazymeds description of Depakote’s cons: You’ll get fat, bald, tired, confused, uninterested in sex, unable to hold your liquor and everything will give you heartburn and/or the runs. Sounds like a real great time, no thanks!

4) Eastern Medicine, supplements, diet, exercise, etc.

It is my greatest hope that someday I can afford Eastern Medicine on a consistent basis and find the motivation to eat well, exercise, etc. but until then, what? For now, I will continue the Celexa and Xanax unless my doctor has a better idea when I see her on Monday. But I have no doubt, she, like most of my other psychiatrists, psychologists and internists in the past, do not know my body or these medications better than I do. I have nothing but time for research. And the pharmaceutical companies aren’t paying me to pimp their drugs.

Research=knowledge. Knowledge opens your eyes to other possibilities and other paths. and mostly, knowledge slaps you in the face with the cold, hard reality that none of these medications work more than short-term in my opinion. and they make us sicker, which is why so many of us are prescribed numerous meds to deal with the side effects from the other meds.

Our rent is due in 6 days. At this point, I don’t think we’ll be able to pay it unless some miracle happens and so I’m still accepting donations (paypal button at the top right sidebar) My sincere thanks to the two people that did donate, a complete stranger donated one dollar and it brought tears to my eyes. And a new reader donated $42.00. I will be forever grateful to you both. The holidays are over and in order to get through these next 6 days I am going to up my Xanax dosage, I don’t see another option. Otherwise, it will lead me to a dark, ugly place and I do not want to go back there. Speaking of which, I will say one nice thing about some of the medications listed above-they do work temporarily in some cases. Late Nov/Early December, I was having suicidal thoughts for the first time in 11 plus years. The Abilify, Celexa or Xanax did get me out of that place, but I CANNOT go back. I’m too fragile right now.


Celexa insomnia continues December 20, 2008

wow. The Celexa is really messing with my sleep schedule. Prior to the medication this was my average schedule when not working: to bed between midnight-3am and i would wake between 9am-noon.

and now, for example, this will give you an idea of my sleep schedule.
Thursday night, well Friday morning, rather…I went to bed at 7am and woke up at 9:30am to help a friend shop for her son’s Christmas toys. at least it got me out of the house. ran a few errands. came home, cleaned and then napped from 5ish-8pm. Went to bed at 3:30am and woke up this morning or actually bolted out of bed at 6:30am. I can’t go back to sleep although, physically my body is craving it, my eyelids are very heavy right now, can hardly keep them open to see the page. Mentally, I can’t. and so I made a pot of coffee, called my grandmother and parents. now, I’m wondering if this medication is worth the trouble. I did not call my doctor because I see her in 9 days and figured I’d talk about it then but the lack of sleep is really getting to me.

This reminds me of something a psychiatrist once told me: it is crucial to get outside at least 5 days a week and walk for 30 minutes. Make sure you get a solid 7-8 hours of sleep, preferably on the same schedule and take a strong multi-vitamin everyday. (more…)


celexa=insomnia December 18, 2008

Filed under: antidepressants,life — clementine @ 6:13 am
Tags: , ,

it’s 5:30am. awake since 8am. celexa=insomnia, i am sure of this.

a long day of shopping and wrapping gifts for needy families. not with my money. i have none. and we will have little to no gifts under our tree this year. but that is okay. as much as i love them…these kids need them more. i want these kids to feel hopeful. and happy. if only for a short time.

i took the celexa an hour ago…heading to bed soon and i’m sure i’ll wake in a few hours.must call doctor tomorrow. i think it’s time to return to vitamins
(and continue the xanax until this clears)
at least i’m not where I found myself a couple of weeks ago
must finish wrapping the gifts with the santa claus, snowmen, spongebob and charlie brown wrapping papers in a few hours. and then begin preparing for our holiday party on saturday. printing recipes.
scents of pine, cinnamon and candy canes.

sleep. i feel it coming. soon. finally.