invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

3 year anniversary March 8, 2009

march 8, 2006-my first blog entry at my old website.
so much has happened since then.
is my life better?
absolutely.
am i still on the path to recovery?
yes, and i always will be.

I would like to think I have helped some people along the way. maybe they don’t feel so alone. but i will be honest-this is an outlet as well. after my last therapist dozed off during our pricey session, i quit therapy for good. this website allows me to voice my concerns, my fears, my anxieties and I would like to thank all of you who have been there for me over the years. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have met some wonderful, beautiful, strong and compassionate people like Gianna, Stephany, John, Ana and so many others.

Over the last three years I’ve had many ups and downs, if you will. I lost my beloved cat of 16 years and I still miss her so. We adopted a beautiful, funny boy from a shelter a few months later. He had a rough past. Beaten, bloodied and lost most of his teeth when he was brought to the shelter but he, like so many of us, is strong and survived. His purrs soothe my soul. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis and had several ovarian cysts. Shortly after, I had an injury at work and was diagnosed with sciatica. There has been much physical pain the past three years, and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. My entire life I have been battling the mental pain and was extremely healthy otherwise. I lost my health insurance, a frightening reality I never thought I would have to face. My work has slowed down tremendously due to the economy and strikes but I also reached a goal in my line of work that will soon provide health insurance and a pension. Lastly and most importantly, I got married and it was a beautiful day. The man I married knows me, he gets me and he is not afraid. He loves me unconditionally and has helped me break down some old walls. I know it’s not easy for him. He has no idea what it must have been like to be raped at 15 but he is always there, listening and comforting. I feel very lucky.

Over the past three years it has been bittersweet to see Big Pharma more and more in the news. As much as I hate the Rebecca Riley stories, these stories need to be heard. Thanks to Furious Seasons the Zyprexa and Seroquel documents were made available to the people who have earned the right to read them. Speaking of which, we have seen the descent of journalism. Newspapers are closing their doors. Great journalists are hard to find and we need them now more than ever. So, please head over the Furious Seasons and donate if you can. And over the past few years the Joe Biederman’s of the world are being called out. It has been a long time coming.

I have also began to question my mental illness. I have been labeled with so many, it’s hard to keep track of. I have been on antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. None of them have worked-although a few worked temporarily but that is not good enough. I deserve better. We all deserve better. And on the mark of my 3rd anniversary, I can say that I am happy to say goodbye to psychiatric medications. I have had a long love/hate relationship with them beginning many, many years ago. I’ve suffered through horrific side effects and withdrawals. I may never be the same because of them. However, I have learned there are other paths out there. Safer paths and I am choosing the safer one. It might be a more difficult path but it will be worth it in the end.

And lastly, I feel I have grown quite a bit the past three years. I have learned a lot. I cut off ties with my family around the historic election last year and have since began to mend things. We might not see eye-to-eye politically or even socially but I still love them. I have learned you can’t open everyone’s eyes and that is okay. What is important is….love. And enjoying life and your loved ones while we are here on this planet.

peace to you all.

Advertisements
 

Obama to clean house at FDA December 17, 2008

Filed under: 2008 election,FDA,government — clementine @ 3:50 am
Tags: ,

From the New York Times:

The Food and Drug Administration commissioner, Dr. Andrew C. von Eschenbach, said Tuesday that he would resign on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, part of a parade of expected departures at the nation’s crucial public health agencies.

Leaders of these agencies have sometimes straddled administrations, but the Obama administration is expected to make a clean sweep in part because of repeated assertions that the Bush administration allowed politics to play an unusually forceful role in science policy, and because each of the current leaders has fierce critics on Capitol Hill and in the public health community.

The Obama administration’s choice for each slot will signal how it plans to deal with issues like stem cell policy and the safety of imported drugs and foods; how it might take advantage of advances in genomic research; its approach to pandemic flu planning; and whether huge investments in bioterrorism prevention will continue.

The incoming administration’s vetting process at each agency has been unusually thorough, with transition officials speaking to current officials as well as a broad range of outside interest groups, according to people who have been through previous transitions.

Dr. Elias Zerhouni has already left his post as director of the National Institutes of Health. Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, wrote in a November e-mail message to her staff that she expects to leave “after the administration changes.” And Dr. John E. Niederhuber, director of the National Cancer Institute, is expected to surrender his leadership job, although he may remain at the institute.

Tommy Vietor, an Obama transition spokesman, declined to comment on any of these positions.

The most difficult of the transitions will be at the F.D.A. (more…)

 

from 52 to 48 with love November 6, 2008

Filed under: 2008 election,change,government,hope,life — clementine @ 1:11 pm
Tags:

everyone should click on this LINK.

(you’ll find my mr. there as well, the abraham lincoln note)

 

president obama November 4, 2008

Filed under: 2008 election,change,new beginnings,peace,politics — clementine @ 11:56 pm
Tags: ,

there are no words to describe tonight. i will try.

i spent the past two days door-to-door canvassing and met some amazing people. i’ll never forget their faces, their kind words and even those that slammed the door in my face. as i walked the streets and passed boarded up homes and children with no shoes, i was hoping and praying for this moment.

not only did obama (and we the people) win, we won by a landslide. we can all sleep well tonight knowing we will not awake to find it was all a lie.

the negative ads and phrases like, “palling around with terrorists” did not work this time. they might have frightened my 86 year old grandmother but they did not frighten more than 50% of the American people.

tonight history was made. from this moment on…children of all colors can aspire to be President of the United States. and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

tonight i will pray for those who are too afraid to open their eyes to see what kind of man obama is. i will pray for those who are afraid to open their ears to hear what obama is saying. and i will pray for those who are afraid to open their minds…because if they did…they would know America just elected a man who will bring great change to our country and beyond. We elected a man who will UNITE us. fight for us. inspire and encourage us. There is nothing more patriotic than that.

dsc00440

 

obama on mccain’s healthcare plan October 4, 2008

Filed under: 2008 election,big pharma,change,health care,politics — clementine @ 7:06 pm
Tags: , ,
 

a message to sarah palin September 2, 2008

Filed under: 2008 election,life,pain,politics — clementine @ 4:34 pm
Tags: , , ,

In November 2006, then gubernatorial candidate Sarah Palin declared that she would not support an abortion for her own daughter even if she had been raped. Granting exceptions only if the mother’s life was in danger, Palin said that when it came to her daughter, “I would choose life.”

This is my message to Ms. Palin:

I was brutally raped at 15. It was such a traumatic experience that I completely blocked it from my memory for nearly 4 years. Suddenly (and something did trigger it) moments of that night flooded my mind. I spent years and years in therapy, very little of which was covered by my insurance company.

Oddly enough I wanted to remember the entire evening, I didn’t want the bits and pieces. A therapist told me, “your mind will only remember what you can handle” and I have lived with that reality. I floated through life struggling with that reality for the next 15 years. During those years I was lost and never in a relationship. However, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I found a great career after much sadness and struggle. And recently, almost 20 years after the rape, I found a man who loves me…a good man.

However, I cannot imagine adding a child to my equation. It was difficult enough living with the memories of that brutal night. It was extremely difficult going through the very long healing phase. If I had become pregnant from that experience, that child would certainly be a reminder of a horrible evening that ended with me in a bathtub, wearing nothing but a bloody t-shirt. That night changed me. A soccer star who quit the team. A smart girl who couldn’t finish college. A girl afraid to sleep at night unless she kept a knife under her mattress. A trusting girl who suddenly trusted no one. If I was forced to raise a child from that experience-I don’t think I would have made it. Suicide would have most definitely been an option. I know some might say that child could have healed me. I beg you to put yourself in my shoes, in any raped girl’s shoes…what if that child had his nose? his mouth? his eyes? those eyes that still haunt my dreams. The fear and pain would never subside. I don’t wish that pain on anyone.

Think about that, Ms. Palin.

p.s. I’m sure your answer would be, your friends, family and your local church would have surrounded you with support and love. I beg to differ. My church-going parents and sister will not talk about my rape. Most of my friends remain silent when I mention it. I feel like the bad guy, imagine how that child would feel??? This is not your choice or the government’s choice. This is a woman’s choice.