invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

away for awhile March 23, 2009

I’ll be away for a short time. I finally have a job. I’m helping a director friend of mine cast his next feature film which is set in Portland but shooting mostly here, a city that is the polar opposite of Portland. (in film lingo, difficult to cast) The problem is, I haven’t been in the casting world since 2004, so, I’m a little rusty. No, wrong, more than a little. But I am very thankful for the short-term work. I haven’t had a decent job since last August, basically living off unemployment. I thought I worked in a recession-proof industry but nobody is safe anymore. Well, a few are but I won’t go there. Anyway, I can’t remember the last time I went shopping and bought something for myself or my swain. A friend of mine bought cupcakes for my swain’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, that’s how bad things have been. I can’t even afford to drive 3 hours away to see my sister, parents and meet my niece who was born in October! Or visit my swain’s parents and sister and our newborn niece on that side of the family. Sad. However, I know that it could be so much worse. My dad’s company just cut his salary, my mom is in fear of losing her job-there have been many layoffs at her company. And I’m alive, fairly healthy and not living on the streets. Sooo….before I leave for a bit, a few rambling thoughts.

I have been prepping this job over the weekend and getting very little sleep. I worked from 3pm Thursday until 7am Friday and that was my first day! A disadvantage in my industry-you go from working 12-20 hours a day to not working at all. Now, usually when I’m working I am highly functional, on top of every single little thing, have tons of energy, life is good…blah, blah… and when I’m not working, well, I’m the exact opposite. I’d really like to find a balance. I’m running into a little problem this go-around. A first for me. I’m still on top of everything, have plenty of energy (because I have something/too much to focus on) but I’m having a really difficult time typing. Not cool when you’re sending emails to well-known actors, etc. It’s not something I can use spell check for because I’ll type wood instead of would. I have been spending a lot of time correcting emails before I send them out. For example-I just typed “before I sent than out” and had to go back and revise. I’ve never had to do this before! I noticed it shortly after I started taking Abilify and Celexa, but I was only on those crappy medications for a month. It could be the Xanax I’m still taking, I have never taken benzos until this year. Or it could be the fact (just typed face instead of fact) that I haven’t been out much. I’ve been hibernating simply because there’s not much to do when you’re broke and I’ve been too depressed to even get outside and walk. Well, I wouldn’t say depressed, maybe just a complete lack of energy or enthusiasm for anything!! I’ve also been sick quite a bit. It started with the diagnosis of Adenomyosis, a few months later, sciatica. (months not moneths-this is getting ridiculous!) Moving on….Then a deep depression. and finally, I just got past a month long flu or really bad case of bronchitis. I took a Zpak early on and that made everything worse. I’m rambling…ugh…my question is…has anyone else experienced these typo problems when taking benzos? or Abilify? or Celexa? Something is really messing with my brain or maybe it’s simply all of the psych meds catching up with me.

Whatever it is, it is scary and I do not like it.

And that’s about all I have the energy for now, plus my cat needs my attention and I need to work on a to-do list for tomorrow. I will miss all of you and hope to catch up on your blogs upon my return or maybe I should just *get smart* and take a break here and there even when I really can’t afford to. Although, with all the news out these days in regards to Seroquel (a drug that seriously messed me up) I don’t know if I need to be reading about things like that. Which is probably why I should stop now and start researching Russian dialects, cockney dialects and when (not hwen) I do have time, which is never, well I will MAKE the time for a nice bath in the middle of the day or something. The only plus with casting, the majority of my work is done from home, in my pajamas!

I’ll end this on a good, cryptic note. A film I worked on is doing well very in the festival circuit. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been proud of something I worked on. I’m not mentioning the film (although I really want everyone to see it) because I’m trying to keep some form of anonymity.

See, er, read you all soon. and be well.


16 Responses to “away for awhile”

  1. Marian Says:

    I experienced the typo-thing for about two or three weeks while I was in acute crisis. I just couldn’t concentrate on something that trivial as correct spelling or sentence structure (or even on really typing – not just thinking – all the words in a sentence to make it complete… ), while my interior world was in ruins. And I made the same mistake again and again, for each time I tried to get it right. Absolutely maddening for someone, who’s a perfectionist.

    But I’ve never taken any psych drugs, so, I have no experience with typos in that regard. BUT: usually, I just need to skim through a text, to see, if the writer is on psych drugs or not. – It’s kind of different from the typos people make, who just haven’t learned how to spell correctly. More like dyslexia, something. -You’re not, not really. Otherwise, you wouldn’t manage to correct your mistakes, the way you do. But it may very well be the Abilify and Celexa, and/or the benzo. They all make it harder to concentrate. Well, and I can imagine that the stress from not being well doesn’t exactly make it better.

    Don’t despair. This too shall pass. 🙂 And congrats on the job!

  2. Stephany Says:

    I always type words backward, or mixed up, like a dyslexic(sp) typer. I talk that way too. Mixing up beginning letters of words. Great news on the job! and good luck casting, and all of that. Congrats on the festival circuit film, that’s great too.

  3. giannakali Says:

    my typing typos have gotten out of control in the last six months..I’m still losing cognitive functioning across the board and it’s scary…the withdrawals have actually made me worse…crossing my fingers that will change as I complete this damn journey…

    CONGRATULATIONS woman!! so glad you got some work!!

  4. giannakali Says:

    oh and yeah BENZOS are real bad for cognitive problems on the benzo boards we call it benzo brain!!

    and, alas, that is now the final drug I’m withdrawing from.

  5. giannakali Says:

    and sorry I keep coming back…(cognitive issues perhaps)

    ALL the drugs you mention can affect cognition…in fact ALL psychotropics can and DO.

  6. Stan Says:

    Congrats on the getting work

    Casting! OK, where is my leading role audition? {Laughing}
    I guess when you gallivanting around in the big time snobbery, its easy to forget about us little people Kim {Smirk}


  7. clementine Says:

    Marian, thank you…I know this will pass, hopefully sooner rather than later.

    Stephany, thank you! I’ll email you the link for the trailer of the film I’m so proud of.

    Gianna, funny…made me laugh in regards to why you keep coming back to post. But yes, it is scary and I’m thinking it is what you and others describe as benzo brain. This sucks. and can’t wait to ween off xanax.

    oh, I still have time for the little people 🙂
    in fact, I’m focusing on those roles right now. and i PREFER the little people. ha. Now, send me your craft services requests, nudity clause, etc. and we’ll get this ball rolling…

  8. stan Says:

    As far as craft services go, I’m not picky! Just have premium coffee at the ready and I’m OK.

    Now, if want a nudity clause; I have to wonder where your sick mind is when you go for that right off the bat? {Laughing}

    If the role descent, and you can at least get me SAG scale and expenses I’ll be fine with that. I would say contact my agent; but my agent days went with my move away from Southern Cal and Holly-Weird.

    Send me the script and we can talk further babble. {Smirk}


  9. clementine Says:

    just premium coffee…wow, you are easy. i once had an actor that (purposely) every morning stood there when I asked him what he’d like for breakfast and go…”hmmm, um, do i want egg whites? hmm, a bagel? er, no, not a bagel, a banana, nooo, um” then he’d trail off for more several minutes and finally order, as if i had nothing else better to do but to stand there i listen to his bs.

    now, in all seriousness, if you are interested, this is shooting in TN and Portland, Oregon. shoot me an email and I’ll send you the breakdown. just for old time’s sake….

    holly-weird…what could possibly be weird about that town??? 😉

  10. clementine Says:

    I meant (i didn’t catch that typo, how ironic at this post, sigh)

    “stand there AND listen to his bs”

  11. Van Says:


    I know this was a long time coming, but I’m guessing it was worth the wait.

    How can we celebrate this for you?

  12. clementine Says:


    Thanks! oh jeez. can’t think of a thing. so exhausted. why don’t you come up with something?!? I like, um, cupcakes….

  13. Van Says:


    Well, let me think of something here. 😉

  14. mr owens Says:

    Does that mean you’re a “Coalwould girl”!! Good luck!!

  15. clementine Says:

    yes, mr. owens, i have returned to my “coalwould girl” roots! the binder I’m using is covered with some of the sweet, funny snippets you used to mail me. “C-A-P-P-U-C-I-N-O C-A-S-T-I-N!”

    i have a box full of things from you that make me smile. and saved pretty much everything you gave me back in “Coalwould!”

    miss you lots.

  16. Ana Says:

    I will miss you but I’m glad you found a work.
    Hope you withdraw the drug that is causing it.

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