invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

Academy Award nominations/predictions January 23, 2009

Filed under: entertainment news — clementine @ 1:35 am

I have several screeners on the way, until I view most of these films I’ll leave my predictions blank unless I’m certain they will win or I really want them to. In other words, check back for my predictions in a week or so.
(If you partake in contests, I usually win!)

UPDATE: I’m halfway finished watching screeners. I loved Changeling and didn’t think I would-great film. The Reader is perfection. Revolutionary Road was beautiful-difficult to watch at times. Doubt-it was okay-Phillip Seymour Hoffman was great per usual. Next up-Milk, Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

UPDATE: I never finished my predictions-I’ve been too sick. oh well, next year.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
* Richard Jenkins in “The Visitor”
* Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon”
* Sean Penn in “Milk”
* Brad Pitt in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
* Mickey Rourke in “The Wrestler”

(will: Mickey Rourke, want: Sean Penn)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
* Josh Brolin in “Milk”
* Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic Thunder”
* Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Doubt”
* Heath Ledger in “The Dark Knight”
* Michael Shannon in “Revolutionary Road”
Michael Shannon’s performance was stunning. a must-see for anyone with a mental illness.
(will: Heath Ledger, want: Heath Ledger)

Performance by an actress in a leading role
* Anne Hathaway in “Rachel Getting Married”
* Angelina Jolie in “Changeling”
* Melissa Leo in “Frozen River”
* Meryl Streep in “Doubt”
* Kate Winslet in “The Reader”
Weird, I’ve worked with two of these women, wishing them both luck.
(will: Kate Winslet, want: Kate Winslet) (more…)


light January 14, 2009

I can finally see the light. Not sure how long it will last but things are a little better. We somehow managed to pay our January rent and are now figuring out how to pay February’s rent.

I have decided to stay on the Celexa and Xanax until things calm down. If you know me, you know how difficult this decision was. I dream of a life free of meds, those meds that only help me escape and of course damage my body, my brain. Several of my side effects are gone though, the insomnia…finally. I think that was the Abilify and it is completely out of my system, I hope. No more slurred speech, feeling like a zombie.

Good riddance to a nasty drug.

I can’t find the commercial on youtube that has been running constantly on television but it basically sends this message and not once in the ad is Abilify described for what it is, an antipsychotic. Instead they are flat out deceiving the public into believing this is an “alternative” to be taken in conjunction with an antidepressant. The following information all comes from the Abilify website where you clearly see the words: ABILIFY as add-on therapy for depression. REALLY?!?

Finding relief from unresolved symptoms of depression can be challenging. Medicine can affect each person differently. A clinical study showed that many people with depression did not achieve adequate symptom relief after taking an antidepressant.

If you’re still dealing with unresolved symptoms of depression even after trying one or more antidepressants, it may be time for you and your healthcare professional to consider adding ABILIFY to your antidepressant treatment. You may be able to achieve additional symptom relief.

Clinical studies compared the use of an antidepressant plus placebo (sugar pill) with the use of an antidepressant plus ABILIFY. When ABILIFY was added to their antidepressant treatment, people experienced significant improvement in their symptoms of depression compared to people treated with an antidepressant plus placebo.

ABILIFY is approved by the FDA to help improve symptoms in adults with major depression when added to an antidepressant. Although everyone responds to medication differently, in clinical trials with add-on ABILIFY, some patients experienced a significant improvement in symptoms of depression as early as 1 to 2 weeks.

The advertisement runs fairly long because these jokers need to tell you the disgusting side effects, where again, Abilify pretends to be an antidepressant:

Antidepressants may increase suicidal thoughts or behaviors in some children, teenagers, and young adults, especially within the first few months of treatment or when the dose is changed. Depression and other serious mental illnesses are themselves associated with an increase in the risk of suicide. Patients on antidepressants and their families or caregivers should watch for new or worsening depression symptoms, unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient’s healthcare professional right away, especially if they are severe or occur suddenly. ABILIFY is not approved for use in pediatric patients with depression. Elderly people with psychosis related to dementia (for example, an inability to perform daily activities as a result of increased memory loss), treated with antipsychotic medicines including ABILIFY, are at an increased risk of death compared to placebo. ABILIFY is not approved for the treatment of people with dementia-related psychosis.

Hopefully soon these ads will disappear, they will be outlawed. Enough on this subject and back to what was to be my original post. I am taking small steps. Trying to eat healthier (not easy with little money) but I’m opting for soup vs. a .99 frozen pizza. I’ve gained at least 10 pounds since going back on meds a month or so ago and really need to watch what I put into my body. I’m hoping to get out and start walking again-I used to walk 5 miles a day and I miss it. But it is so very cold right now, not the best time to start. I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped by sending good thoughts. Knowing I’m not alone has been what’s kept me alive for so many years. So, truly, thank you very much.


Eli Lilly and 1.4 Billion dollar settlement?

Filed under: antipsychotics,big pharma — clementine @ 2:10 pm
Tags: , ,

From the NY Times:

Eli Lilly is rumored to be near a $1.4 Billion U.S. settlement on their drug, Zyprexa. The amount of the settlement is a record sum for so-called corporate whistle-blower cases, which are federal lawsuits prompted by tips from company employees or former employees. Details of the agreement were provided by people involved in the negotiations.

In my opinion no amount of money is worth the lives destroyed by this drug but it does send a clear message. I hope this is the beginning of the end of big pharma and their illegal tactics.

Eli Lilly, the drug company, is expected to agree as soon as Thursday to pay $1.4 billion to settle criminal and civil charges that it illegally marketed its blockbuster antipsychotic drug Zyprexa for unauthorized use in patients particularly vulnerable to its risky side effects.

Among the charges, Lilly has been accused of a scheme stretching for years to persuade doctors to prescribe Zyprexa to two categories of patients — children and the elderly — for whom the drug was not federally approved and in whom its use was especially risky.

In one marketing effort, the company urged geriatricians to use Zyprexa to sedate unruly nursing home patients so as to reduce “nursing time and effort,” according to court documents. Like other antipsychotics, Zyprexa increases the risks of sudden death, heart failure and life-threatening infections like pneumonia in elderly patients with dementia-related psychosis.

In October, Lilly agreed to pay $62 million to 32 states and the District of Columbia to settle consumer protection claims related to Zyprexa. It paid Alaska $15 million and agreed to pay $1.2 billion to 31,000 Zyprexa plaintiffs. Some private Zyprexa claims remain unresolved.


life January 4, 2009

Filed under: life,love,peace — clementine @ 12:29 am
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i’m watching Good Will Hunting and I completely forgot how much I love this film, for many reasons. fifteen plus years of therapy and I’ve never been fortunate enough to meet a Sean Maguire (the Robin Williams character) type. too bad. but such is life, maybe someday.

my cat is snoring. bundled in blanket. i would take a picture but i don’t want to wake him. oh, the simple, sweet things in life.

just got off the phone with one of my dearest friends. her brother is dying, she’s staying up with him in ICU tonight. the doctor said maybe two days, if that. born with downs syndrome and is 53. a long life. but now, dementia. pneumonia. she is in a good place. shock, most likely. and i just want to hug my loved ones.


ah, depression January 2, 2009

Filed under: antidepressants,depression,life — clementine @ 11:57 pm
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depression. its grasp can sometimes be overwhelming. crippling. i have described it before in the only way i know how and yet it is really impossible to describe to those unfamiliar. how it lurks around every corner, mocking and laughing at you, punching you, draining you. pulling you deeper and deeper into its warm and cold hole. it is something i am very familiar with-after all i have been living with it my entire life. i have been fighting it for years and it has not been an easy battle. and yet, here i am at 35-still alive even though i never thought i would be here. alive and fighting.

the past two days have been draining. as some of you know i’ve been struggling with insomnia for a good 3-4 weeks now. but luckily, my body finally had enough. it started new years eve when i fell asleep in front of friends around 2:30am. woke around 8amish and then napped from 11am-4pm. i muddled around the house for a few hours, ate dinner, started to watch ‘the visitor’ around 8pm last night and fell asleep. i did not wake until 11:30am this morning. and then a deep depression set in. worried about our financial situation and the lack of work in our industry thanks to another possible strike. but mostly, i found myself feeling so very sad. i managed to do a load of laundry which still sits in the dryer. put away a few christmas decorations. took a bath and honestly, have spent most of the day on the couch. right now i’m watching 80s movies back-to-back on tv and avoiding thinking. someone recently told me (or maybe I read it on a blog) that the path I am choosing, soon-to-be one free of meds, facing old pains and getting out there—living my life, is the hardest path. he/she mentioned we live in a society where it’s easier to pop a pill and keep moving, basically constantly escaping.

and so, this new path i am choosing is a frightening one. i am sure that is part of this depression. saying goodbye to the only path i’ve known for most of my life (antidepressants, antipsychotics, escaping, etc.) and yes, it is frightening. i know i’m making the right choice, i no longer want the side effects of these drugs. i’m tired of the memory loss, the lethargy, the depression, the slurred speech, the insomnia and sleep issues, the sadness, the fears, the anxieties and, well, all of it. i’m just plain tired.

i recognize that many of the above will possibly always be with me, but it is my hope that someday the battle will not be so crippling. i hope to have the tools to deal with life in a healthy manner.

i have a tendency to do things in life in an all or nothing fashion. it amazes me sometimes. if you were to see me when i’m working, you’d really be shocked. i spend 12-18 hours a day or more on my feet, constantly going, working with celebrities and keeping them happy and informed, i am always organized and on top of everything. but when i’m not working i am the exact opposite. it’s a good day if i get out of the house. and that’s what infuriates me the most and why i am seeking a balance more than anything. i’m not naive, i plan to take baby steps, this is not going to be easy. not at all. and i suppose i will soon mentally prepare myself for this new path and see what happens. until then, i just want this depression to go away…somewhere far, far away.


2009, in with a…zzzzzz January 1, 2009

Filed under: antidepressants,life,peace — clementine @ 9:48 am
Tags: , , , ,

i rarely drink anymore. therefore, i tend to stay in while others are out ringing in the new year…drinking, puking, drinking more, silly hats and glasses, large crowds and did i mention drinking? occasionally i will enjoy a new years toast at home, a glass of champagne and that is it. but mostly new years eve reminds me of my ‘drinking years’ and those are years i would like to forget.

last night two friends of ours came over and we watched WALL-E. that was over at 11:30p. and then we talked a bit, switched the channel to see Dick Clark announcing Happy New Year. a few kisses and then more conversation. two hours of it i believe. the next thing I know my swain is waking me. i looked around the living room and our friends were gone. i had fallen asleep, sitting upright on the couch, right in front of them. ah, such is life.

this morning. 7:55am. wide awake. although my body craves sleep. it is screaming, sleep…sleep…sleep…and i’m lucky to get 6 hours of it these days. i am going to cut my dosage of celexa in half and slowly taper off. i’ve had enough of this insomnia and lethargy business.

and now, back to reality. our rent is due today. we are short $275.00. Technically we have until 4:30p on the 5th to pay it. I’m hoping for a miracle at this point. Yes, the donation button is still on my page for a reason but I realize most of you are in the same boat. this is when life gets tricky, those triggers that can knock you down. i will do my best to remain strong. in this case the failing economy and lack of work are major triggers for me and i must be careful. i will end with a prayer for peace. for us all. thanks to gianna for this.