depression. its grasp can sometimes be overwhelming. crippling. i have described it before in the only way i know how and yet it is really impossible to describe to those unfamiliar. how it lurks around every corner, mocking and laughing at you, punching you, draining you. pulling you deeper and deeper into its warm and cold hole. it is something i am very familiar with-after all i have been living with it my entire life. i have been fighting it for years and it has not been an easy battle. and yet, here i am at 35-still alive even though i never thought i would be here. alive and fighting.
the past two days have been draining. as some of you know i’ve been struggling with insomnia for a good 3-4 weeks now. but luckily, my body finally had enough. it started new years eve when i fell asleep in front of friends around 2:30am. woke around 8amish and then napped from 11am-4pm. i muddled around the house for a few hours, ate dinner, started to watch ‘the visitor’ around 8pm last night and fell asleep. i did not wake until 11:30am this morning. and then a deep depression set in. worried about our financial situation and the lack of work in our industry thanks to another possible strike. but mostly, i found myself feeling so very sad. i managed to do a load of laundry which still sits in the dryer. put away a few christmas decorations. took a bath and honestly, have spent most of the day on the couch. right now i’m watching 80s movies back-to-back on tv and avoiding thinking. someone recently told me (or maybe I read it on a blog) that the path I am choosing, soon-to-be one free of meds, facing old pains and getting out there—living my life, is the hardest path. he/she mentioned we live in a society where it’s easier to pop a pill and keep moving, basically constantly escaping.
and so, this new path i am choosing is a frightening one. i am sure that is part of this depression. saying goodbye to the only path i’ve known for most of my life (antidepressants, antipsychotics, escaping, etc.) and yes, it is frightening. i know i’m making the right choice, i no longer want the side effects of these drugs. i’m tired of the memory loss, the lethargy, the depression, the slurred speech, the insomnia and sleep issues, the sadness, the fears, the anxieties and, well, all of it. i’m just plain tired.
i recognize that many of the above will possibly always be with me, but it is my hope that someday the battle will not be so crippling. i hope to have the tools to deal with life in a healthy manner.
i have a tendency to do things in life in an all or nothing fashion. it amazes me sometimes. if you were to see me when i’m working, you’d really be shocked. i spend 12-18 hours a day or more on my feet, constantly going, working with celebrities and keeping them happy and informed, i am always organized and on top of everything. but when i’m not working i am the exact opposite. it’s a good day if i get out of the house. and that’s what infuriates me the most and why i am seeking a balance more than anything. i’m not naive, i plan to take baby steps, this is not going to be easy. not at all. and i suppose i will soon mentally prepare myself for this new path and see what happens. until then, i just want this depression to go away…somewhere far, far away.