invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

a rainy but clear day December 15, 2008

Filed under: antidepressants,life,new beginnings — clementine @ 10:10 am
Tags: , ,

Although it’s nearly 50 degrees outside and raining, i have built a fire. it’s very calming. i have not been able to sleep lately, waking between 7 and 8 every single morning…after going to bed between 1am-4am. I am constantly exhausted and yet cannot sleep. Insomnia is one of Celexa’s side effects. I suppose that is the problem. I’m also having other Celexa side effects that I won’t get into here. So, what to do? Well, I will call my doctor. Sadly, I know the drill all too well.

What’s so interesting is, I’ve always been nocturnal. a night owl. I prefer rain to sun. dark to light. and yet, i’m finding waking early is very peaceful. as i sit here and drink coffee, my mind is clearer than it would be on a morning when I find myself awake before 11am. I believe there is a reason for everything. and today it is good i am awake because i am able to sit here, awake, and pray for my sister’s best friend’s 2-1/2 year old daughter who was diagnosed with a rare cancer, Retinoblastoma (there are approximately 350 new diagnosed cases per year in the United States) and they are removing her eye as I type. Chemo and radiation were not options because the tumor was very large. UPDATE: since I’ve been writing I just got word she made it through surgery and is doing well.

In my line of work it is not uncommon to have a 4 or 5am call time which requires waking when I would normally be going to bed and working a 12-18 hour day depending on the film. Needless to say, when you do this for weeks or months at a time, your body needs a month or more to recuperate. I remember (before the Celexa prescription 2 weeks ago) one of the last times I awoke very early on a day I needed to be nowhere. It was September 11th, 2001. For some reason I bolted out of bed at 6am, showered and turned on the television-only to see the horrific image of the first plane that had just crashed into the World Trade Center. There has always been something about me where I find my mind more “in tune” with others (knowing what they’re going to say before they say it, looking into their eyes and seeing a warm or cold heart, etc) and maybe I awoke that day knowing what was about to happen. and I needed to experience it live. Little did I know my innocent, quiet cousin who had just graduated high school would be dead two years later fighting the people who attacked us. (well, he thought he signed up to fight those people, but that’s another story and not appropriate right now)

I don’t know if you noticed but it’s snowing on my website. A wordpress feature available until January. I would love to figure out the many other options available (widgets, etc) and one would think after blogging for nearly three years I would have it mastered, but I haven’t. I did figure out how to add a poll, for fun. These are simple things left to be explored when the time is right.

But back to the rainy day and my clear mind. If my doctor removes the Celexa (it was short-term to get me out of a bad place) I fear i will return to my normal sleeping schedule when not working, waking at 11am or noon. And is saddens me. I will miss the calm before the storm. And right now I need that calm. And so maybe this all happened for a reason and if I can take anything positive from the Celexa, it would be…inspiration to wake earlier every morning. and enjoy the life when it’s a little slower-when my mind is forced to be present.

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