invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

she is gone March 30, 2007

Filed under: depression,life,love,r.i.p. — clementine @ 1:47 pm
Tags: , , , ,

i put my cat to sleep yesterday. it was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. several days ago i started a blog about whether or not i should keep this website. and now i think i will. it’s been a healthy outlet for me. and at 5:30 in the morning, awaking for the third time crying i am here. i can hardly see the page. but i’m here. my eyes feel nearly swollen shut. and i want my cat, kinsey, next to me right this second.

i decided i did not want children. living with a mental illness has not been an easy road for me and i did not want to bring a child into what will probably always be a roller coaster life. and kinsey was my child. i’ve had her 16 years. and for most of those 16 years it was just the two of us. she’s been that one constant in my life. oh, i wasn’t ready for this. i thought i was, but who is?

it wasn’t the food that killed her. it was cancer. of the liver. a large tumor and she was in pain. her body was so swollen and full of fluid that the doctor had a hard time finding her veins. after the second injection- i could no longer look into those eyes that couldn’t close. i had to leave the room. my swain stayed with her, crying, as i screamed crying outside. it was the third injection that finally put her at peace.

we buried her at a friend’s house nearby. with beautiful trees and a bench. and flowers. her food dishes are gone. her litterbox, gone. her toys, the favorites, are with her. along with that silly red christmas bow i think she loved. i hear the birds chirping. i’ve been feeding them, and they are my new friends. i know life goes on. and it will. it just hurts right now.

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