invincible summers

in the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer. (albert camus)

hard times March 8, 2006

i was born in the midwest. spent 18 years in the midwest. small town U.S.A. where people talked about sports, the weather, the crops and well, that's about it. county fairs, apple pies, small town gossip, white picket fences, 4-h clubs. you get the picture. nothing wrong with this- it just wasn’t for me. i longed to talk to someone about something. someone to share my dreams and fears and pains with. i did not have anyone. i was alone. and so i escaped. some turn to books or music. film became my passion. monty clift, jimmy stewart, gregory peck, bogart, bacall, bette davis, katharine hepburn.

years later i escaped the midwest. and years later i began a career in the film industry. you could say my passion paid off. but i am still alone.

i am not working and i have too much time on my hands- i have turned to music. i was downloading a few songs from the soundtrack of a film i worked on a year or so ago. we filmed in kentucky. i noticed the lyrics to one song were written by a relative of mine: stephen foster. i know that he was related to my great great grandmother on my fathers side of the family. this is all i know. after all my family doesn't talk about the past. there are many skeletons in the closet. but why dig them up? could it be that they would shatter the perfect image of the perfect family. this is what i do know of my family: depression, suicides, foster homes, electric shock treatments, alcoholism and drug abuse. this could be said for many. but we don’t talk about these things. i have attempted and failed. i want to know the stories, i want to know how to do it differently. instead i float through life trying to figure it out on my own. i long for some light in this darkness. i should change the heading of my blog. these are no longer casting ramblings. these are ramblings of a lost girl. trying to make sense of it all. just when i think i have found some light- it goes away. suddenly the world seems like such a big place and i don't know where i fit in. i wonder if i should switch careers. i wonder how i will pay my bills. i wonder if anyone will ever get me. i wonder if i will always be alone.

stephen foster spent his last years in an alcoholic haze. no longer able to command royalties for his songs, he cranked them out for a flat fee. he died at the age of 37, leaving little behind save a worn leather purse containing 38 cents and a scrap of paper on which he’d scribbled a lyric fragment; dear friends and gentle hearts…

he was alone. i do not want to be alone.

hard times
Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
While we all sup sorrow with the poor.
There's a song that will linger forever in our ears,
Oh, hard times, come again no more.
'Tis the song, the sigh of the weary.
Hard times, hard times, come again no more.
Many days you have lingered on around my cabin door.
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

While we seek mirth and beauty and music light and gay,
There are frail forms fainting at the door.
Though their voices are silent, their pleading looks will say,
Oh, hard times, come again no more.
There's a song, the sigh of the weary.
Hard times, hard times, come again no more.
Many days you have lingered all around my cabin door.
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

There's a pale drooping maiden who toils her life away
With a worn heart, whose better days are o'er.
Though her voice it would be merry, 'tis sighin' all the day,
Oh, hard times, come again no more.
'Tis the song, the sigh of the weary.
Hard times, hard times, come again no more.
Many days you have lingered all around my cabin door.
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

Tis the song, the sigh of the weary.
Hard times, hard times, come again no more.
Many days you have lingered all around my cabin door.
Oh, hard times, come again no more.
-Stephen Foster
b. july 4, 1826
d. january 13, 1864

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