anonymity April 12, 2009

To my regular readers and new readers: I will be using a different name on my posts. I picked Clementine because it’s a character from one of my favorite films, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I would greatly appreciate it if you address me in the comments section as Clementine or anything other than my real name which most of you know. Some of you know my nickname in the business I work in, please do not address me with that nickname. This is one of the reasons I’m switching to a pseudonym. Although my business is generally open and accepting, there have been a few occasions where this has been proven not be the case. And so, to protect my career that I’ve worked long and hard to achieve and remain in, I can no longer use my real name.

Unfortunately, I will have to go back and delete certain comments and posts. I am terribly sorry for this but I must protect myself and my career. Stigma is still widespread. I have also changed my email address in the contact section. If you are a regular reader or know me personally, by all means, please email me directly at my normal email address. If not, contact me via the new address.

I don’t know if this will solve anything or prevent anything. I am simply taking a precaution, especially after my latest trauma post.

Kevin Siers’ cartoon April 8, 2009

If this cartoon titled: Local Terrorist offends you, I encourage you to write a letter to the editor at the Charlotte Observer. According to his bio, Kevin’s cartoons are distributed to over 400 newspapers nationwide by King Features Syndicate.

Here are the email addresses:

Rick Thames, editor:
rthames@charlotteobserver.com

Letters to the editor:
opinion@charlotteobserver.com

Cartoonist Kevin Siers:
ksiers@charlotteobserver.com

This was my letter to the editor and I cc’d Rick and Kevin:

I am writing in regards to Kevin Siers’ cartoon titled “Local Terrorist”

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/kevinsiers/story/638466.html

Horrific images like this one promote the stigma associated with mental illness. Just look at some of the comments regarding Kevin’s cartoon. I find this cartoon extremely offensive as someone who has lived with a mental illness for more than 25 years. I must ask if you, your readers or Mr. Siers has a family member or close friend that suffers from depression or another mental illness? I have news for you: mental illness is an illness just like any other and it can be successfully treated. I am living proof of that-although, no thanks to Big Pharma. Unfortunately, I have spent more than half of my life living with the stigma associated with mental illness, meanwhile I have family members who have diabetes or cystic fibrosis and there is no stigma because people are not ‘afraid’ of those illnesses. People continue to be afraid of anyone with a mental illness partially thanks to cartoons like this. It is disgusting and you should all be ashamed for printing such a thing. This is one giant step backwards for the millions of people who have long suffered and been misunderstood. Don’t be surprised if you lose readers over this and you should!

****UPDATE: I should note that I don’t necessarily believe in mental illness these days. Of course my entire life I wanted to believe I had an illness because at the time it was the only thing keeping me alive as others around me labeled me crazy, odd, insane, etc. You get the picture. Today, this is my belief, if there is such a thing as mental illness…where is the scientific proof? Where is the cure? Scientists have had plenty of time to prove this and yet they haven’t. That speaks volumes. Instead we have numerous drugs promoted on television, pimped by our doctors and pharma reps for a quick fix. And let’s face it-there’s a a lot of money in it for Big Pharma and doctors. I wrote this email to Kevin because he does feed the stigmatization of a group of human beings that have been discriminated against their entire lives. That is not something I can sit back and ignore.

Jim Edwards at bnet thinks I’m insane April 6, 2009

It seems Jim Edwards at bnet thinks I am insane. According to his latest ’10 Weirdest Drug Stories of the month post’, I am #7.

This is what he had to say about my conversation with a former high school friend/now Wyeth sales rep post

The crap that sales reps have to put up with:
Wyeth sales rep “Barney,” who hawks antidepressants, has a conversation about Wyeth v. Levine with an insane blogger … and the rest is recorded for history.

I have no idea whether or not this was sarcasm, I am simply too tired to do the research on him. But if it wasn’t (and I’m guessing it wasn’t) thanks Jim…you really know how to make a girl feel good about herself. Did you even read the entire post? If you did and you still believe I am insane…well, I am speechless and disgusted.

you might be oblivious but sometimes you insult and hurt me December 28, 2008

Thanks to finding optimism for this:

There are many ways to insult someone with depression, without even trying very hard. The best way is to give them some unsolicited advice. Something that you think is simple, yet profound, and potentially life changing. But said in ignorance. Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their illness, which is serious, is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it.

Here are the some of the terrible things that people say:
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“Just snap out of it!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”

lemonade award December 13, 2008

Stephany at soulful sepulcher very kindly awarded my blog with the Lemonade Award. It was quite a surprise and a true honor coming from her. I sincerely thank her. I have enjoyed reading her blog for a year or so now. she reminds me of Erin Brockovich-although on a somewhat different journey, Stephany, like Erin, is a fighter. she fights for truth and justice and peace. but more importantly, she fights for her child. she fights and lives for love. and she never gives up. she is truly gifted and is able to find so much beauty in a (sometimes) ugly world.

this is a little more difficult than i expected. you see, as i type, i long for understanding from my mother. i have her love. but she turns her head when it comes to my illness. for many reasons. her mother was mentally ill and i know i must be a reminder of things unknown to me but possibly sad, tragic events from her own childhood. my mother sees my behavior and actions and does not “see” the illness. my mother chooses to not talk about my illness and feels she must walk on eggshells around me. i understand. i can be unpredictable and most definitely emotional. i take many things personally. but that is who i am. i remember when i checked myself into a mental hospital over ten years ago…my family and then friends did not know what to say or how to act around me. i felt safe and loved only by the people i met at the hospital. since then, things have changed. i lost touch with the girls at the hospital. but my parents still love me, unconditionally and that’s all i can ask for. these days i am very fortunate to have friends who listen to me and love me unconditionally. today i spent time with two of those friends. they have been helping me get through the past few weeks, listening to me and loving me. and i am grateful for the internet and the ability to connect with so many people that do understand me.

Stephany has been to hell and back. she has the scars to prove it. and mostly all for her beautiful daughter. she is a rare flower. there are very few people in this world willing to stick around, listen, understand, love and fight for such a long time. i can think of numerous people that have called me over the years asking me to call their mentally ill friend or family member because they didn’t know what to say. they were tired of trying to understand. they were giving up. and so, thank you, stephany…for never giving up.

The rules of this award are as follows:

* Put the logo on your blog or post.
* Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

and here are my ten nominees, some know what it’s like to fight and survive in a world full of stigma. some know what it’s like when the darkness is both comforting and disturbing. some chose a path without medication, knowing all too well that most psychiatric medications do not work. some speak out against the pharmaceutical companies that are poisoning our children, friends and the elderly. some take these very medications to stay alive. some are still trying to figure out their own path. and all of whom are very brave souls.

beyond meds

…salted lithium

tilting at windmills

polarcoaster

if you’re going through hell keep going

experimental chimp

storied mind

chunks of reality

bipolar recovery

the trouble with spikol

one bipolar life

nyu ransom ads December 18, 2007

This past week The New York University Child Study Center introduced a public service campaign to raise awareness of what Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, the center’s founder and director, called “the silent public health epidemic of children’s mental illness.” Their plan to bring awareness consists of running ads that read like ransom notes.

From the NYU Child Study Center website:

“The idea behind the “Ransom Notes” is that, all too often, untreated psychiatric disorders are holding our children hostage. These disorders rob children of the ability to learn, make and keep friends and enjoy life.”

Dr. Koplewicz told the New York Times the campaign was inspired by filmed conversations of parents and children talking about life with a psychiatric disorder. “These families felt their children were trapped by their disorders.” The ads began running last week in New York magazine and Newsweek as well as on kiosks, billboards and construction sites around New York City.

We have your son. We will make sure he will no longer be able to care for himself or interact socially as long as he lives. This is only the beginning…Autism.

We are in possession of your son. We are making him squirm and fidget until he is a detriment to himself and those around him. Ignore this and your kid will pay…ADHD

We have your son. We are destroying his ability for social interaction and driving him into a life of complete isolation. It’s up to you now…Asperger’s Syndrome

We have your daughter. We are forcing her to throw up after every meal she eats. It’s only going to get worse…Bulimia

We have your daughter. We are making her wash her hands until they are raw, everyday. This is only the beginning…OCD

i’m home November 29, 2007

i’m home and it feels good. leaving home for a weekend or week is one thing…but 7 weeks is a whole other beast. some of you know i work in the film industry and occasionally work will take me out of town for weeks or months at a time. and i rarely post about my experiences on set because they usually involve those that we read about too much. however, i will say it was a pleasure working with hawkeye. overall, it was a long 7 weeks and i returned feeling exhausted and broken. during the second week i injured my back and sciatic nerve. over the last two weeks of filming i battled “whatever flu virus has been going around” and it’s still lingering…thanks in part to the ever-changing weather. i’ll leave it at that for now.

decided to return with some headlines that caught my attention over the last month or so. hoping to follow up on a few of them.

Dr. Drug Rep

Lilly makes billions off Zyprexa while approved for Schizophrenia only

120 War Vets commit suicide each week

State files suit against maker of medication

Changes in psychiatry’s ‘bible’ altered children’s care

Republicans have better mental health than Democrats

Friends, family mourn tasered man

Before shooting in Brooklyn, a history of mental illness and family discord

Law on mental-illness coverage near fruition as details ironed out

Moody is the new bipolar

Abilify approved as additional treatment for major depression

Minnesota limit on gifts to doctors may catch on

antipsychotics and oprah on bipolar September 25, 2007

In what some are calling ZyprexaGate…another state is bringing forth a lawsuit against Eli Lilly, Janssen and Astra Zeneca for a marketing scheme involving the antipsychotics Zyprexa, Risperdal and Seroquel. To date, nine states are suing antipsychotic makers. Alaska, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Utah and West Virginia are suing Eli Lilly regarding Zyprexa. Louisiana, South Carolina, Texas and Pennsylvania are suing Janssen regarding Risperdal. Pennsylvania and South Carolina are also suing AstraZeneca regarding Seroquel. Arkansas Attorney General Dustin McDaniel is planning a lawsuit against three pharmaceutical companies, you guessed it… Eli Lilly, Janssen and AstraZeneca.

From the Arkansas Democrat Gazette:

McDaniel said the companies engaged in a “marketing scheme that was very effective to where a drug that was never approved by the [federal Food and Drug Administration ] for children… the elderly… or run of the mill behavioral disorders like depression, all of a sudden was touted to America’s doctors, Arkansas ’ doctors, as a miracle drug. So, a child that has [attention deficit disorder ] is taking a drug that was never authorized for that child, causing serious complications… that could last a lifetime.”

He said the state Medicaid program has spent $200 million on those drugs over the last eight years and, under Arkansas’ Medicaid fraud law, the state could collect three times that much.

These antipsychotics are being prescribed for everything from depression to anorexia to bipolar and they’re just making us sicker. I am not a doctor but I do have firsthand experience with one these medications and twenty years of experience living with a mental illness. It’s quite obvious to me these drugs should be used in extreme cases or short term. We know that these drugs have killed more than 6,000 people. If this isn’t a wake-up call, I don’t know what is.

update on mental health parity bill September 24, 2007

Last week the Senate passed legislation that would require equal health insurance coverage for mental and physical illnesses when policies cover both. One day after the Senate approved the bill (S 558), the House Ways and Means Subcommittee on Health approved the House version (HR 1424) of mental health parity legislation. There are a few differences between the House and Senate bills. Most notably is the House legislation includes a broader definition of conditions that insurers would be required to cover. The Senate legislation is a little more vague, it seems their bill leaves it up to the insurance companies to decide what is covered. Under the House version, the policy would go into effect Jan. 1, 2008, while the Senate bill states that it would begin one year after it becomes law.

Click here to read my previous blog on the House version. And you can read the side-by-side comparison of the two bills here. Of course, they’re both better than what we have today. If only someone would introduce a bill that will reimburse the mentally ill the money we have paid out of our pockets for years. Take action to see change! Write your local congress members and the president. You’ll find their email addresses here.

owen wilson, suicide, stigma September 21, 2007

Rarely a day passes that I don’t see evidence of the stigma which still exists with mental illness. I wish we could come up with a new label for mental illness. Maybe then we could start the process of forcing insurance companies to cover the illness like they would diabetes. Categorize it under an illness or disease of the brain and treat it as so. I can’t think of a label but I’m sure someone could. Society continues to associate the word mental with: insane, crazy or mad. Because of this, those with a mental illness are rarely taken seriously and are sometimes discarded, avoided or mocked. But most of all, they are sadly, misunderstood.

want mental health parity? write congress! July 13, 2007

mental health parity. it’s something i’ve wanted for so long now and we still don’t have it. all of my complaints about medications and big pharma and insurance companies are worthy complaints (and i’ll continue them) but first we need to break the mental illness stigma. our world still treats mental illness as a problem not an illness. and therefore people think the mentally ill somehow create their problems. most people actually believe it’s something we should be able to control. i’m not saying mental illness isn’t treatable-it can be-with patience, understanding and the right meds, therapy, etc. but it’s not a problem or something we need to control. millions of people like me pay more for a psychiatrist than we do a family physician. we pay more for our anti-depressants or mood stabilizers than we do a painkiller or antibiotic. this is wrong and it’s time we do something about it. we need mental health parity and having it will help break the mental illness stigma.

may i suggest: crazy? April 20, 2007

i don’t like the word crazy. it’s the word a lot of people associate with the mentally ill.

crazy |ˈkrāzē|: mentally deranged, esp. as manifested in a wild or aggressive way

derange |diˈrānj| : ( deranged) cause (someone) to become insane

insane |inˈsān| : in a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill

mental |ˈmentl|: 2 of, relating to, or suffering from disorders or illnesses of the mind : a mental hospital. • [ predic. ] informal: insane; crazy : every time I’m five minutes late, they go mental.

i’ve read a few articles and blogs in the wake of the virginia tech tragedy. one person had this to say:

But we’re all told over and over again that “mental illness is just like any other illness” and it’s subject to all the excessive privacy laws and to all the excessive protections of the ADA. And any school official who tried to force him to see a counselor or psychiatrist, or who tried to expel him from the school, would get sued and end up paying this kid a bundle.

cho was way beyond mentally ill. i would say he was psychotic. people use the term mentally ill and crazy loosely. and usually together. if they’re not saying it aloud, they are certainly thinking it. mentally ill does not equal crazy. or insane. or deranged. and that’s what people need to understand.

mentally ill=crazy? April 17, 2007

i know the shootings at virginia tech have deeply saddened all of us. the details are still sketchy but there’s an interesting report at bbc, my preferred source of news, you can read it here. it seems students are angry because there was a two-hour gap between the two incidents. they complained they received no warning from the university until an e-mail more than two hours after the first incident. i find that gap of time very strange.

my swain attended virginia tech and we’ve been watching cnn most of the day, however, i’m tired of the news here in the states. there is little reporting. we have a bunch of talking heads and it’s frustrating. early on, a psychiatrist on cnn said something about the shooter was probably “off meds” and that sort of thing…you know, mentally ill, unstable…i’m sure we’ll hear bipolar thrown in there sooner or later.

i was talking to my dad earlier on the phone and i brought up the shootings, he mumbled something about, yeah, i can’t believe it, that guy was crazy.

to most, mentally ill = crazy. and we wonder why the stigma still exists.

my thoughts and prayers are with the virginia tech students, faculty and their families.

a break January 19, 2007

i’m taking a break from this blog. i need to focus on a few things and step away from here. my grandmother is doing much better. unfortunately we found out yesterday morning that my sister requires another surgery and she’ll have it on february 2nd.

meanwhile, i’m not working. there is no work in the immediate future, and our state film commissioner “resigned”. and money is tight. which makes it difficult to pay the bills let alone fill my prescription that insurance barely covers. i’ve been a bit manic and depressed because i can’t afford to take my full dosage. it’s concerning me and yet i’m too exhausted to do anything about it. like, find a new doctor. or find a way to get sample pills, etc.

i was in the emergency room last weekend because of severe abdominal pain. after a catscan they suggested i see an OBGYN for a pelvic ultrasound. i was hoping the pain would go away and it didn’t. the demerol made me sick. and it pissed me off. 30 pills for $11.00. the going rate for my lamictal? i can get 2 pills for $11.00.

after numerous phone calls trying to get an OBGYN to see me immediately i had an appointment this morning. the ultrasound showed 2 cysts on my right ovary. at least i know the where this pain is coming from. i will wait it out and have another ultrasound in 6 weeks. hopefully they’ll disappear and no surgery will be required. i told her the demerol was making me sick, she prescribed lortab. 30 pills for $5.47.

that’s part of the mental illness stigma for you. i have great insurance. they cover pretty much everything BUT mental illness. so maybe it’s not so great.

anyway. that’s all. be well everyone.

zyprexa: a killer drug January 7, 2007

most of the alex berenstein articles confirmed what i know to be true about the pharmaceutical companies. i nodded my head frequently while reading them, exclaiming frequently…hell yes, thank you, etc. my complaints and fears about the antipsychotics were finally right there on the front page of the new york times. i was excited.

until i read this article.

it deeply saddened me. and terrified me. i think most functioning people with a mental illness share the same fear- one day we will completely lose our mind. it’s a scary thought and yet you can’t deny the possibility. we’ve all had so many ups and downs and often wonder if that final breaking point is around the corner. one day, we’ll snap, just like that. and we’ll end up living with our parents, no longer able to function.

that is exactly what happened to john eric kauffman. unfortunately in his case, his mother outlived him. he died at the age of 41. his mother believes that the weight he gained while on zyprexa contributed to the heart disease that killed him.

zyprexa was taken by about two million people worldwide last year. the drug was approved to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. zyprexa’s side effects: severe weight gain, increased blood sugar and cholesterol. all risk factors for heart disease. a lawyer who represents mentally ill patients turned over documents that show eli lilly, which makes zyprexa, has sought for a decade to play down those side effects. even though its own clinical trials show the drug causes 16 percent of the patients who take zyprexa to gain more than 66 pounds after a year.