beauty in tragedy June 27, 2009

i must admit. i really miss writing. but life has been hectic lately, to say the least.

i am in the middle of therapy at a local sexual assault center. it’s a wonderful place and i’m finally getting the ‘right’ treatment. trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy. so, 21 years this summer since I was brutally raped. the mask is off. the walls are coming down. and i am healing. finally. no more doctors pushing the dangerous medications…just a loving environment focusing on the trauma in my life. and there is a lot of it.

my therapist asked me last week if there was anything in her office that made me feel unsafe. the simple fact that there are no pharma reps pimping their latest drugs is good enough for me. i didn’t say that but she knows how i feel about them.

i have found beauty in tragedy there. i see children playing (they are big on play therapy) outside the window of my therapist’s office in the yard or in the sand box. i see paintings and drawings from children ages 2-14 covering the walls in the hallways and my therapist’s office. and i cry. i cry tears of joy and pain. but mostly joy. i know why these young girls are there. i stared at a girl around age 7 in the waiting room one day and my heart was heavy knowing why she was there. (this center only sees victims of sexual abuse) and yet i also felt joy knowing this girl (and others there) are getting the proper help now versus 21 years later like me. something tells me their life will be less painful and a little easier. and i cry…thankful for places like this.

i sometimes sit there and stare at the children and think….if only i had found the right treatment earlier. and then i remind myself i blocked out my rape for nearly 4 years and then spent years of escaping…listening to the wrong doctors and therapists, allowing them to label me with every ‘mental illness’ in the book. allowing them to medicate me, believing it was the only solution. and yet, i do not live with regret. it took 21 years to come to this place for a reason. i don’t know why but there is a reason and someday i will know. i think i probably already do and just can’t express it right now because there is so much going on. i have not been reading blogs or the news…still. i miss my friends and readers here. but….my husband’s father is dying. quickly. cancer in his liver. stomach. colon (which they removed) and lymph nodes. we have been out of town. my husband is making peace with the man (his father) whom he had not seen in 14 years for a very good reason. and now, we wait. well, he waits for the phone call. it may come today. it may come in 4 months. but it will come and it saddens me. i wish i were in a better place to comfort him during this time. it’s something i am working on.

i don’t want to get too much into the details…it is not my story to tell. but sometimes when one is on their deathbed there is often much regret for the horrible things they have done to loved ones. i do not want to have that regret someday. and so i will continue on my path of love, compassion and honesty.

in regards to my family, they are waiting for me to call them and ‘mend’ things….and although it hurts….i will do it, eventually. sooner rather than later. because, again, i do not want to be on my deathbed someday with regret.

i will continue to seek the beauty in tragedy. it is all i know to do.
peace to you all.

it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it June 5, 2009

it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it…
lyrics from Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up”
from one of my favorite songs and film, Magnolia.

my absence is not due simply to work (i’m finished and broke again) or negative attacks. it’s also simply (and i hope i don’t offend anyone but if I do, I apologize in advance….) I need to take of ME.

21 years ago around this time, i was raped. as my regular readers know, it was so brutal, i blocked it from my mind for nearly four years until something triggered it. then, at 19, i began traveling a road of escapism, addictive behaviors, etc. along the way I was diagnosed with just about every ‘mental illness’ out there…first depression, then double depression, then borderline personality disorder and lastly bipolar. I’ve been on numerous psychiatric medications all of my adult life.

and now, as I’m about to turn 36 next week, i have realized (with the help of some dear friends and readers…you know who you are and I am eternally grateful to you!!!) that it’s not what i thought when i first began it. for the majority of my life, i wanted to BELIEVE I had a mental illness. i took the pills. i spent tens of thousands in medical bills…saw the most expensive psychiatrists, therapists, etc….none of whom never understood me nor cared to. a waste of money and time to say the least, but a lesson learned and I grew from it. that’s what life is about….

I have been reading Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma and of course I have realized that the symptoms of many ‘mental illnesses’ are absolutely 100% identical to the symptoms of trauma. and I have a lot of trauma in my life, not just the brutal rape. The obvious cases of trauma being war, sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse, loss of a loved one, etc. But I was surprised by the lesser known cases of trauma and I encourage you to read his book if you haven’t already or one similar.

while working on a job recently, a girl turned me onto a beautiful center here in town. it’s a sexual assault center. my first appointment was earlier this week. i nervously walked in and was immediately overwhelmed by a beautiful, caring and loving energy unlike anything I have ever experienced at a place like this before. i will get more into it at another time, but let me just say, it is a wonderful place. and i received a grant so my first 8 sessions are free, after that, sliding scale. not sure how i’ll afford it then, but I will find a way. what matters here is: these people CARE. they do not medicate you. they HEAL you.

during my first session i did 90% of the talking (not uncommon during a first visit) but when my therapist was able to get a word in she brought up dissociation and a form of esp…something I will also get into at another time. (my intuition has grown much stronger over the years and she explained why) but as i sat in her office staring at the toys, the window covered with children’s artwork and drawings…i cried….tears of joy and sadness. through the window I could see children doing their ‘play therapy’ in the beautiful yard. i cried because i wish i had that experience earlier (but have also learned there are no regrets in life, at least that’s my belief) and i cried tears of sadness knowing what these children have been through.

i made it very clear to my therapist, i am anti-meds in my case. especially after 20 years of the meds making me sicker and masking the real issue: trauma. luckily, she is too. i told her the meds I’ve been on that I can remember: Seroquel, Abilify, Paxil, Prozac, Lamictal, Effexor, Celexa, etc. she told me i’d be surprised to know how many young children come in to see her who are on 6-8 meds and it saddens her. i told her i am fully aware of the child bipolar, etc. epidemic. i told her it angers and saddens me. HOWEVER, my dear how it was refreshing to see a place like this where children are loved and nurtured. they are not medicated. my therapist believes fully in creativity and I could see it everywhere. I didn’t see a diploma in her office but instead toys and books and games. even though i know she has a degree…that doesn’t matter. what matters is her heart and what this center is doing.

anyway, i don’t have much energy for more right now. (i haven’t had any energy lately and my mind has been numb) i will end by saying…i am so thankful for this opportunity and i KNOW it’s going to work. i also know it won’t be easy. and so, I haven’t been reading blogs, the news, etc…like I normally do because I’m focusing on me right now. I must do so in order to heal. I have also been escaping by playing games but I believe that is a result of 2 months of non-stop work and the nature of this therapy I’m receiving. That escapism will end as I get further along in therapy.

and in the end….i will hopefully be free of 21 long years of trauma and paralyzing pain.

my love to you all.

a break May 12, 2009

I was indirectly accused of being a ‘loyal blind minion’ to a fellow victim of psychiatric medications. I was also indirectly accused of acting petty and school yard-like. But even though this person did not contact me directly to say these things- I do know this person was referring to me and others at a website created to attack someone. I can’t tell you how much this hurts.

I do not have thick skin. I wish I did. But if you’ve been reading my site for over 3 years now, you know my story and probably know it well. I was brutally raped at 15. Spent time in a mental hospital. I was labeled and put on countless psychiatric medications for nearly 20 years which have nearly destroyed my body.

Since my awakening a little over three years ago, I have been attempting to tear down the walls that I built after the rape, I have been calling out Big Pharma for their disgusting tactics and I began to travel a path which is foreign to me, a med-free path with the help of acupuncture and multi-vitamins. This is my path and I chose it. Everyone has their right to choose their own path and I certainly do not attack them for what they choose.

This all started when I simply donated $10.00 to a girl who was in dire need of treatment. Her situation was much more dire than mine has ever been and I felt for her. And then the attacks began. Call me naive but I thought we were all in this together. Unfortunately, I have found this not to be true. And since I don’t have thick skin and I have been personally attacked by someone who I thought cared about me…I am taking a break from my blog. I am going to take care of myself. I have hit too many bottoms in my lifetime and I cannot hit another one-not now, not so soon after my experience last fall when I turned to the antipsychotics I despise and yet had no choice but to take them short-term.

When I was a teenager I was told by my mother that I would grow up to be a prostitute. She said this in anger because she found out I was having sex. Her words lived with me for a long time and I have since forgiven her in my heart for this. Little did she know why I was having sex. And truth be told, little did I know…it all started after I was raped and because it was so brutal-I blocked it out for years. I have since learned it is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to turn to numbing sex. We escape, we put on a mask, etc. However, her words hurt. Just like being called a ‘loyal blind minion’ hurt. Why does it hurt? because that is not who I am. Those of you who truly know me, know this.

Right now I cannot tolerate, yes, these petty like games and schoolyard behaviors. My teen years were tough enough and it wasn’t until I started this blog that I began to recover from all of the trauma I experienced during those years. I’m not going back. Lastly, I certainly did not start this site only to receive personal (although indirect) attacks from fellow survivors of psychiatric meds.

So, farewell for now and peace to you all. and thank you so very much for all of your support over the past 3+ years. I will be forever grateful. And to those of you seeking an alternative path, whatever it may be, please know you are not alone.

pregnancy and antidepressants April 25, 2009

Thanks to Gianna at Beyond Meds for this. And I agree with Gianna, Vogue is definitely a mainstream magazine so maybe a few lives will be saved. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Back in 2005 GlaxoSmithKline sent a warning letter to doctors, advising that the antidepressant Paxil may be linked to a slightly higher risk of birth defects in babies exposed to the drug during the first trimester of pregnancy.

From the FDA Public Health Advisory:

* In a study using Swedish national registry data, women who received paroxetine in early pregnancy had an approximately 2-fold increased risk for having an infant with a cardiac defect compared to the entire national registry population (the risk of a cardiac defect was about 2% in paroxetine-exposed infants vs. 1% among all registry infants).
* In a separate study using a United States insurance claims database, infants of women who received paroxetine in the first trimester had a 1.5-fold increased risk for cardiac malformations and a 1.8-fold increased risk for congenital malformations overall compared to infants of women who received other antidepressants in the first trimester. The risk of a cardiac defect was about 1.5% in paroxetine-exposed infants vs. 1% among infants exposed to other antidepressants.
* Most of the cardiac defects observed in these studies were atrial or ventricular septal defects, conditions in which the wall between the right and left sides of the heart is not completely developed. In general, septal defects are one of the most common type of congenital malformations. They range from those that are symptomatic and may require surgery to those that are asymptomatic and may resolve on their own. It is of note that the data in these studies was limited to first trimester exposures only, and there are not currently data to address whether this or any other risk extends to later periods of pregnancy.

The Vogue interview can be viewed here.

now is the time to act April 5, 2009

Now is the time. It was a phrase President Obama used frequently that inspired me, gave me hope.

If you google “Obama now is the time” you will find:

Obama: Now Is The Time For Iraq Withdrawal

Now is the time to protect our planet: Obama

Obama: “Now Is The Time For Congress To Act”

and this speech truly inspired me:

Today I must wonder-was it just a speech? Smoke and mirrors? I am beginning to question the man I voted for. A man who I believed wanted to unite Americans, end the war, fix the economy, create a transparent government and on and on. Now, believe me, I know that our current President has one hell of a mess to clean up. I wouldn’t want his job in a million years but…

Right now this is what I’m seeing: questionable cabinet appointments like Tim Geithner. Focusing on a war in Afghanistan when we need to focus on our country and get out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Obama is a man who once said, “I don’t oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war.” Well, during these incredibly tough economic times I do not see how moving troops (slowly) out of Iraq and sending them to Afghanistan is smart. I personally feel it is dumb. Our troops are exhausted. They need to come home. We are not going to end the “war on terrorism” by moving into another country-those that do hate our country and want to attack us will just move somewhere else. We can’t hunt them down in this manner. It is absolutely absurd. No wonder we are hated by so many countries-we keep attacking them! The fact of the matter is: war is a money-making business and it seems our President is going back on his word. sad. And then there was the 62% federal cigarette tax increase effective on, of all days, April Fool’s Day. This is what his administration had to say:

away for awhile March 23, 2009

I’ll be away for a short time. I finally have a job. I’m helping a director friend of mine cast his next feature film which is set in Portland but shooting mostly here, a city that is the polar opposite of Portland. (in film lingo, difficult to cast) The problem is, I haven’t been in the casting world since 2004, so, I’m a little rusty. No, wrong, more than a little. But I am very thankful for the short-term work. I haven’t had a decent job since last August, basically living off unemployment. I thought I worked in a recession-proof industry but nobody is safe anymore. Well, a few are but I won’t go there. Anyway, I can’t remember the last time I went shopping and bought something for myself or my swain. A friend of mine bought cupcakes for my swain’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, that’s how bad things have been. I can’t even afford to drive 3 hours away to see my sister, parents and meet my niece who was born in October! Or visit my swain’s parents and sister and our newborn niece on that side of the family. Sad. However, I know that it could be so much worse. My dad’s company just cut his salary, my mom is in fear of losing her job-there have been many layoffs at her company. And I’m alive, fairly healthy and not living on the streets. Sooo….before I leave for a bit, a few rambling thoughts.

Bill Maher on Big Pharma March 11, 2009

an oldie but goodie:

“there’s no money in healthy people….”

“someone has to stand up and say that the answer isn’t another pill…the answer is spinach”

3 year anniversary March 8, 2009

march 8, 2006-my first blog entry at my old website.
so much has happened since then.
is my life better?
absolutely.
am i still on the path to recovery?
yes, and i always will be.

I would like to think I have helped some people along the way. maybe they don’t feel so alone. but i will be honest-this is an outlet as well. after my last therapist dozed off during our pricey session, i quit therapy for good. this website allows me to voice my concerns, my fears, my anxieties and I would like to thank all of you who have been there for me over the years. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have met some wonderful, beautiful, strong and compassionate people like Gianna, Stephany, John, Ana and so many others.

Over the last three years I’ve had many ups and downs, if you will. I lost my beloved cat of 16 years and I still miss her so. We adopted a beautiful, funny boy from a shelter a few months later. He had a rough past. Beaten, bloodied and lost most of his teeth when he was brought to the shelter but he, like so many of us, is strong and survived. His purrs soothe my soul. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis and had several ovarian cysts. Shortly after, I had an injury at work and was diagnosed with sciatica. There has been much physical pain the past three years, and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. My entire life I have been battling the mental pain and was extremely healthy otherwise. I lost my health insurance, a frightening reality I never thought I would have to face. My work has slowed down tremendously due to the economy and strikes but I also reached a goal in my line of work that will soon provide health insurance and a pension. Lastly and most importantly, I got married and it was a beautiful day. The man I married knows me, he gets me and he is not afraid. He loves me unconditionally and has helped me break down some old walls. I know it’s not easy for him. He has no idea what it must have been like to be raped at 15 but he is always there, listening and comforting. I feel very lucky.

Over the past three years it has been bittersweet to see Big Pharma more and more in the news. As much as I hate the Rebecca Riley stories, these stories need to be heard. Thanks to Furious Seasons the Zyprexa and Seroquel documents were made available to the people who have earned the right to read them. Speaking of which, we have seen the descent of journalism. Newspapers are closing their doors. Great journalists are hard to find and we need them now more than ever. So, please head over the Furious Seasons and donate if you can. And over the past few years the Joe Biederman’s of the world are being called out. It has been a long time coming.

I have also began to question my mental illness. I have been labeled with so many, it’s hard to keep track of. I have been on antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. None of them have worked-although a few worked temporarily but that is not good enough. I deserve better. We all deserve better. And on the mark of my 3rd anniversary, I can say that I am happy to say goodbye to psychiatric medications. I have had a long love/hate relationship with them beginning many, many years ago. I’ve suffered through horrific side effects and withdrawals. I may never be the same because of them. However, I have learned there are other paths out there. Safer paths and I am choosing the safer one. It might be a more difficult path but it will be worth it in the end.

And lastly, I feel I have grown quite a bit the past three years. I have learned a lot. I cut off ties with my family around the historic election last year and have since began to mend things. We might not see eye-to-eye politically or even socially but I still love them. I have learned you can’t open everyone’s eyes and that is okay. What is important is….love. And enjoying life and your loved ones while we are here on this planet.

peace to you all.

my conversation with a Wyeth sales rep March 6, 2009

I must begin by saying, I am still sick, hence the reason why I am posting this here. Either out of complete boredom or something much deeper. I am not sure. Either way, the story goes like this:

(all names/places will be changed because I know Wyeth will be snooping around here like Eli Lilly and the others do. BARNEY will be the high school friend/Wyeth employee, our school/town that we grew up in will be called FRUIT LOOPS)

Today I posted this story from the New York Times on my Facebook page and a guy I went to high school with made several comments-which I will re-post all below. I took this a little too far and couldn’t let it go. This guy was pushing my buttons, of course, and I’ve been a guinea pig for Big Pharma for 20 some years now, so was it okay that I couldn’t let it go? I will say that I did delete him as a “friend” and I suspect he will respond to my last message and then I must…well, I don’t know…LET IT GO and block him. Over the last 5 years I had to take control of my mind and body. I stopped trusting most of my doctors, psychiatrists and certainly pharmaceutical companies. If you don’t know why I did this-I would suggest checking out my previous entries. I feel this blog is an outlet but also a place to possibly open one set of eyes/ears. Anything is possible. We all know there are so many of us that have left the “dark side” and began to question the very people we should trust. So, here’s the conversation and I’d love to know your thoughts. Oh, by the way, I had to type in CAPS (which I despise) during part of our conversation but it seemed the only way to respond to his last message.

From the NYTimes article:
“If Phenergan is exposed to arterial blood, it can cause swift and irreversible gangrene. For that reason, it is usually administered by intramuscular injection or intravenous drip. This time, a physician’s assistant used a third method, injecting the drug into what she thought was a vein, a method known as “IV push.”

BARNEY: The Physician’s Asst used what appears to be an approved and not-indicated route of administration into what she thought was a vein and yet the drug company is liable? Maybe people should actually read the government approved product labeling and warnings next time.

ME: or maybe…just maybe…it would be nice to see people stop DYING from so many big pharma drugs. Zyprexa, Seroquel…ring a bell? you get my point and I’m sure you disagree but that’s okay. Ever heard of Rebecca Riley? google her. period. blaming the patient is cruel. i know the tactics big pharma uses on a daily basis and soon the world will know.

BARNEY: Rebecca Riley’s parents killed her. I googled her and her mom is in prison. How is it the drug company’s fault that her parents caused her to overdose. That’s a ridiculous case to make your point. Zyprexa and Seroquel are both still on the market and helping millions of patients. I’m not blaming the patient who lost her arm. I’m blaming the caregiver that IV pushed the product. Pharma has its problems but its not to be blamed for every thing that goes wrong in the world. It still spends billions of dollars each year on research for new products and it has helped save more lives than it has ever hurt. Rebecca Riley? A 4 year old who was killed by her parents. Horrible comparison.

ME: Look, I’m pretty sure you work for a pharmaceutical company and good for you, I understand you defending them. I don’t solely blame Big Pharma but they are usually behind all of these stories. The one I posted, the Rebecca Riley’s of the world, my grandmother’s death, etc. Do you know how many CHILDREN are on dangerous psychiatric medications? MILLIONS. It is quite frightening as we know their sweet, innocent brains are still developing. Zyprexa and Seroquel should be off the market. They are DANGEROUS medications— you have to know about the lawsuits! The meds are killing men, women and children. Just for record, Rebecca Riley’s mother was following her doctor’s orders, who has since quit practicing medicine I believe. But, what kind of doctor would prescribe Seroquel, Depakote and Clonidine to a 4-year old??? Her mother did not write those prescriptions. This is part of the problem…some doctors have forgotten the Hippocratic oath. It’s all about the quick fix and you know it. And then you must factor in, I’m sorry, but Big Pharma. Seas of pharma reps with samples (usually anti-psychotics or anti-depressants) bribing doctors, we have more and more corrupt doctors (think Joe Biederman) and Big Pharma is HIDING deadly information from doctors AND patients (AstraZeneca and Seroquel, Eli Lilly and Zyprexa) So, actually, no, her parents did not kill her-she was 4 yrs old and over-medicated by her doctor. Remember the good old days when we could trust our family doctor? Did you ever think that Rebecca’s mother was simply trusting her doctor???? One last thing- my sister has a rare disease, I have nieces with CF-I know the wonders of western medicine. But I also know (very well) the corruption of Big Pharma. By the way, would you give Seroquel or Zyprexa to one of your children? Think about that. and then (maybe) you’ll understand why it infuriates me to see Big Pharma PUSHING these drugs.

SICK of big pharma and doctors March 2, 2009

I must begin by saying I’ve been sick since before or on the week of February 16th, it’s been so long, I can’t remember. It began with a sinus infection and after taking a 5 day Z-pak, well, I got sicker. Go figure. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I’m thinking I’m pretty close to pneumonia at this point, I have all the symptoms minus the fever. I’ve had horrible side effects and found via this website that my side effects are not uncommon. Not to get too terribly gross here but constant diarrhea (with blood one day), no taste buds, heavy chest congestion, headaches, body aches, exhaustion, dehydration (no matter how much water I drink) and constant drainage. I’ve taken a Z-pak before, years ago, and had zero side effects. Something has changed and something tells me Big Pharma is involved. I believe Pfizer produces the Z-pak. Needless to say, this post might not make sense being that I’m way beyond feeling good. And none of this is easy dealing with when you are uninsured.

If you’re not a regular reader you might wonder why I am SICK of big pharma and doctors. First of all, let me state, I do feel lucky. Don’t get me wrong. I could be dealing with an incurable cancer, I could have an incurable disease, RRP, that my sister has. I know that I am lucky. However, for nearly 23 years I have been dealing with a mental illness. Fighting the good fight. I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, hospitals, medications, etc. None of which worked. period. Most importantly, I continue to run into these stories:

Recently news broke that AstraZeneca buried Seroquel studies. Just take a look at part of the story if you don’t feel like clicking on the link, but I suggest you read the entire story and do your own research:

2009, in with a…zzzzzz January 1, 2009

i rarely drink anymore. therefore, i tend to stay in while others are out ringing in the new year…drinking, puking, drinking more, silly hats and glasses, large crowds and did i mention drinking? occasionally i will enjoy a new years toast at home, a glass of champagne and that is it. but mostly new years eve reminds me of my ‘drinking years’ and those are years i would like to forget.

last night two friends of ours came over and we watched WALL-E. that was over at 11:30p. and then we talked a bit, switched the channel to see Dick Clark announcing Happy New Year. a few kisses and then more conversation. two hours of it i believe. the next thing I know my swain is waking me. i looked around the living room and our friends were gone. i had fallen asleep, sitting upright on the couch, right in front of them. ah, such is life.

this morning. 7:55am. wide awake. although my body craves sleep. it is screaming, sleep…sleep…sleep…and i’m lucky to get 6 hours of it these days. i am going to cut my dosage of celexa in half and slowly taper off. i’ve had enough of this insomnia and lethargy business.

and now, back to reality. our rent is due today. we are short $275.00. Technically we have until 4:30p on the 5th to pay it. I’m hoping for a miracle at this point. Yes, the donation button is still on my page for a reason but I realize most of you are in the same boat. this is when life gets tricky, those triggers that can knock you down. i will do my best to remain strong. in this case the failing economy and lack of work are major triggers for me and i must be careful. i will end with a prayer for peace. for us all. thanks to gianna for this.

some humor (kinda) December 30, 2008

just a simple post. the last entry drained me a bit and i need to do some soul-searching, might be gone for a day or two…maybe not.

anyway, today i had to see my internist (can’t afford a psychiatrist) for a follow-up visit. i actually arrived early, i was feeling good. the birds were chirping. i didn’t have to wait for an elevator. i entered the cramped elevator and pressed 7, smiling and then the elevator stopped at the hospital level and a girl resembling a beauty queen or former cheerleader entered.

she kinda looked like this…

except she was wearing a suit, toting a crate on rollers stocked full (almost overflowing) of Lexapro. her shoulder touched mine and my smile faded. i wanted to push her. punch her. but no, i was a good girl. she got off on the same floor and went a different direction. i was tempted to follow her and give her an earful but I knew she would just blankly stare at me and say something like….

“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and that I believe our education like such as Lexapro, blow job, lunch on me, wink wink, South Africa and the Iraq, and everywhere, such as, Lexapro, here’s some pens and notepads, aren’t they pretty? and I believe that they should our education over here in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa and help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build out our future for us. Gimme an L! Gimme an E! Gimme an X! Gimme an A-oh gosh darnit i forget the rest….”

Beyond Meds at NING December 27, 2008

From Gianna at Beyond Meds.

I just started a NING social network called Beyond Meds for like minded souls to converse and socialize. If you are interested in joining (and right now I’m the only member—I have no idea if this will fly) please click here and sign up!!

Thanks to a long-time reader and friend who suggested it.

I’ve been thinking of starting some sort of yahoo group for a while, but this is better. Now we just have to see if people are interested. Pass it on to anyone who might be interested in the support group aspect of it but might not want to visit this blog regularly.

Anyone who wants to help me or give me feedback it’s welcome. It took all of three minutes to start this and really I don’t know what I’m doing. I also only feel half way decent a couple of hours a day and sometimes not even that. If you have experience with NING and can help please let me know!!

What is a NING social network? It’s a place for us all to gather and give each other support about alternatives to psychiatry, drug withdrawal, the politics of mental health etc etc. You can largely define what happens there. Please give it a whirl.

And spread the word!!

click here to join!

crazy meds, insomnia continues December 26, 2008

The last three days I have literally bolted out of bed before 6am, wide awake. 5:55am today. went to bed around 2am. highly unusual for me. As I’ve stated before, I never awake until 9, 10 or 11ish unless I have to be somewhere. and it’s not uncommon at all (actually happens very frequently) to wake before the sun rises when I’m on a shoot. but I’m not working. I’m unemployed and suddenly after 35 years of being nocturnal, I am a morning person and not sleeping. Is this part of life, getting older? or is it the Celexa? I’m going with the latter because the ‘morning person’ thing began shortly after I started taking the Celexa. My face and body are bloated and I’m feeling, well, depressed. So much for antidepressants. I’ve always thought if I need to be medicated it should be a mood stabilizer but alas, I hit a plateau with the Lamictal last winter and could no longer afford my prescription at 171/month.

So, it seems we (those with a mental illness) have four choices:

1) Antipsychotics: Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, Geodon, etc..

nasty side effects and who knows what kind of long term risks. I was a zombie on Seroquel, I gained 50 pounds in less than two months and it leads to diabetes. I recently had bizarre side effects on Abilify. Anyway, all sorts of lawsuits against the makers of these drugs. enough said.

2) Antidepressants: Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Serzone, etc…

a plethora of side effects ranging from insomnia, weight gain, headache, nausea, dry mouth, sweating, sleepiness, diarrhea or constipation, loss of libido, loss of coordination and memory loss. I’m sure I am forgetting some but that would be due to my “memory loss” thanks to these meds. My swain took Serzone for years for his anxiety, he figured, sure, it might destroy my liver but it gets me out of the house and functioning. How is that fair? It’s hard to find these days and he no longer takes it.

3) Mood Stabilizers: Lamictal, Depakote, Lithium, etc.

I love crazymeds description of Depakote’s cons: You’ll get fat, bald, tired, confused, uninterested in sex, unable to hold your liquor and everything will give you heartburn and/or the runs. Sounds like a real great time, no thanks!

4) Eastern Medicine, supplements, diet, exercise, etc.

It is my greatest hope that someday I can afford Eastern Medicine on a consistent basis and find the motivation to eat well, exercise, etc. but until then, what? For now, I will continue the Celexa and Xanax unless my doctor has a better idea when I see her on Monday. But I have no doubt, she, like most of my other psychiatrists, psychologists and internists in the past, do not know my body or these medications better than I do. I have nothing but time for research. And the pharmaceutical companies aren’t paying me to pimp their drugs.

Research=knowledge. Knowledge opens your eyes to other possibilities and other paths. and mostly, knowledge slaps you in the face with the cold, hard reality that none of these medications work more than short-term in my opinion. and they make us sicker, which is why so many of us are prescribed numerous meds to deal with the side effects from the other meds.

Our rent is due in 6 days. At this point, I don’t think we’ll be able to pay it unless some miracle happens and so I’m still accepting donations (paypal button at the top right sidebar) My sincere thanks to the two people that did donate, a complete stranger donated one dollar and it brought tears to my eyes. And a new reader donated $42.00. I will be forever grateful to you both. The holidays are over and in order to get through these next 6 days I am going to up my Xanax dosage, I don’t see another option. Otherwise, it will lead me to a dark, ugly place and I do not want to go back there. Speaking of which, I will say one nice thing about some of the medications listed above-they do work temporarily in some cases. Late Nov/Early December, I was having suicidal thoughts for the first time in 11 plus years. The Abilify, Celexa or Xanax did get me out of that place, but I CANNOT go back. I’m too fragile right now.

get kids off medicine December 19, 2008

Quickly, I would like to direct everyone to my new page (35 things: a continuous entry) at the top of my website, to the left of ‘about me’. I frequently update there with personal stories. It’s been very therapeutic.

my sincere thanks to Beyond Meds for this linking to this story. I think it’s a wonderful idea and hope to see more to follow.

Martin Irwin, MD, Professor of Psychiatry at LSU Health Sciences Center New Orleans School of Medicine, is launching what he believes is a first- of-its kind-program nationally to “Get Kids Off Medicine.”

The LSUHSC Get Kids Off Medicine Program, dedicated to tapering and discontinuing psychiatric medication for children being treated with three or more psychiatric medications, is being implemented three half days a week at the LSU Behavioral Science Center at 3450 Chestnut Street. The program accepts Medicaid and most insurance. Discounted and possible free care will be provided to those who qualify based on income.

“Along with the increase in prevalence of mental illness in children and youth, is a skyrocketing rate of use of psychiatric medication often as the sole treatment and most commonly to treat disruptive behaviors and aggression,” says Dr. Irwin, who specializes in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. “It is not uncommon for children even as young as five to six years of age to be on multiple medications, as many as four to five at the same time.”

Dr. Irwin says the over-medicating of the problems of children in the mental health system is likely to result in misdiagnosis-labeling of behavioral problems that result from interpersonal difficulties, realistic feelings that are not excessive or out of proportion to the child’s real life experiences, or reactions to current life stresses as major psychiatric disorders leading to unnecessary medical treatment. Many of the medications used to treat children are either not approved by the FDA for use in this age group, or are not approved for the indication they are being prescribed.