it has been an extraordinary week.
america said yes to hope and change and no to fear and the same.
america elected it’s first african-american president. we did not elect what some believe him to be…a terrorist, muslim extremist, communist or socialist. america elected a man who wants to make america a better place for EVERYONE. and sadly, some americans took rights away from men and women because of their own personal religious beliefs. and now these “second class citizens” must look their children in the eyes and explain to them some people think they are different and bad, but encourage them to never stop dreaming and never discriminate in the same way.
Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. Matthew 7:1
You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:38
You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also. Matthew 5:38
tuesday night i cried many tears of joy. wednesday morning i was overwhelmed with feelings of hope, excitement and fear. the latter because anytime in history there has been an agent of hope and change-they are assassinated. and even though 48% of americans did not vote for obama, i still believe our country will be united once again. we’ve suffered through eight long years of war and fear. we’ve seen the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. it’s time that changed. an olympic gold medalist (and mccain supporter) asked me why i voted for obama. i gave him my top ten reasons. if you’re interested, ask and i’ll leave them in the comments section because that’s not what this blog is about.
since election night my personal life has fallen apart. i have lost my family. my father. my mother. my sister. my two nieces. and quite possibly my grandmother. they are still alive and well but i sent an email to my parents and sister asking them to consider me dead. it all started three months ago (click here for the back story) and ended this week.
over the past two days, i have been accused of living in the past. i have been told i just “want to dwell in jealousy & pity!” in reference to my mentally ill grandmother who died too young and suffered through horrible things (including electric shock treatments), i was told, “She didn’t want the world to feel sorry for her, or feel like the world owed her anything because she was different! Because you and ____(my husband’s name) choose to live the way you do, is your choice.” Her words sting. ironically while also telling me she understands me. if she did, she would know the dead weight the mentally ill carry. she would know i fight every single day to stay alive. she would know i pray. she would know i have good days, but the depression is there, inside of me. she said, “Again you depression is your excuse! My mother didn’t use excuses what makes you so different from her????”
(deep breath) if she knew me, she would know…my illness is not my excuse, it is part of me…the child she gave birth to. my illness is unlike many. it is so very misunderstood and i have spent 20 plus years trying to understand it. my illness can suck the life out of me at any given moment even as i pray for it to leave me alone. my illness is both my enemy and friend but not my excuse. i would beg of her or anyone else who believes the same to google the suicide rates among the mentally ill. every day i count my blessings that i am not one of them. and i fight, fight, fight to never become one of them. but i certainly understand what led them to that place. the place when they no longer believe anyone cares or understands. the place of ultimate hopelessness. the place those who are not mentally ill will never quite understand i suppose. depression is a very real illness, it is not an excuse.
this week i have been told, “You have totally been brain washed for the past two years.” and in true passive/aggressive behaviour was not told exactly by whom. only i can imagine who that would be, considering a little over two years ago i fell in love with a man for the first time in my life. a good man who helped me fight my fears. who loved me for who i am, the good and bad. in sickness and health. after meeting him, i stopped sleeping with a knife under the mattress, no longer in fear of another rape. i stopped letting men walk all over me. i opened my heart, let go of the fears and found love. i began to open my mind and therefore find my voice. this is not the definition of brainwashing. but this is: (more…)
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