it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it June 5, 2009

it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it…
lyrics from Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up”
from one of my favorite songs and film, Magnolia.

my absence is not due simply to work (i’m finished and broke again) or negative attacks. it’s also simply (and i hope i don’t offend anyone but if I do, I apologize in advance….) I need to take of ME.

21 years ago around this time, i was raped. as my regular readers know, it was so brutal, i blocked it from my mind for nearly four years until something triggered it. then, at 19, i began traveling a road of escapism, addictive behaviors, etc. along the way I was diagnosed with just about every ‘mental illness’ out there…first depression, then double depression, then borderline personality disorder and lastly bipolar. I’ve been on numerous psychiatric medications all of my adult life.

and now, as I’m about to turn 36 next week, i have realized (with the help of some dear friends and readers…you know who you are and I am eternally grateful to you!!!) that it’s not what i thought when i first began it. for the majority of my life, i wanted to BELIEVE I had a mental illness. i took the pills. i spent tens of thousands in medical bills…saw the most expensive psychiatrists, therapists, etc….none of whom never understood me nor cared to. a waste of money and time to say the least, but a lesson learned and I grew from it. that’s what life is about….

I have been reading Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma and of course I have realized that the symptoms of many ‘mental illnesses’ are absolutely 100% identical to the symptoms of trauma. and I have a lot of trauma in my life, not just the brutal rape. The obvious cases of trauma being war, sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse, loss of a loved one, etc. But I was surprised by the lesser known cases of trauma and I encourage you to read his book if you haven’t already or one similar.

while working on a job recently, a girl turned me onto a beautiful center here in town. it’s a sexual assault center. my first appointment was earlier this week. i nervously walked in and was immediately overwhelmed by a beautiful, caring and loving energy unlike anything I have ever experienced at a place like this before. i will get more into it at another time, but let me just say, it is a wonderful place. and i received a grant so my first 8 sessions are free, after that, sliding scale. not sure how i’ll afford it then, but I will find a way. what matters here is: these people CARE. they do not medicate you. they HEAL you.

during my first session i did 90% of the talking (not uncommon during a first visit) but when my therapist was able to get a word in she brought up dissociation and a form of esp…something I will also get into at another time. (my intuition has grown much stronger over the years and she explained why) but as i sat in her office staring at the toys, the window covered with children’s artwork and drawings…i cried….tears of joy and sadness. through the window I could see children doing their ‘play therapy’ in the beautiful yard. i cried because i wish i had that experience earlier (but have also learned there are no regrets in life, at least that’s my belief) and i cried tears of sadness knowing what these children have been through.

i made it very clear to my therapist, i am anti-meds in my case. especially after 20 years of the meds making me sicker and masking the real issue: trauma. luckily, she is too. i told her the meds I’ve been on that I can remember: Seroquel, Abilify, Paxil, Prozac, Lamictal, Effexor, Celexa, etc. she told me i’d be surprised to know how many young children come in to see her who are on 6-8 meds and it saddens her. i told her i am fully aware of the child bipolar, etc. epidemic. i told her it angers and saddens me. HOWEVER, my dear how it was refreshing to see a place like this where children are loved and nurtured. they are not medicated. my therapist believes fully in creativity and I could see it everywhere. I didn’t see a diploma in her office but instead toys and books and games. even though i know she has a degree…that doesn’t matter. what matters is her heart and what this center is doing.

anyway, i don’t have much energy for more right now. (i haven’t had any energy lately and my mind has been numb) i will end by saying…i am so thankful for this opportunity and i KNOW it’s going to work. i also know it won’t be easy. and so, I haven’t been reading blogs, the news, etc…like I normally do because I’m focusing on me right now. I must do so in order to heal. I have also been escaping by playing games but I believe that is a result of 2 months of non-stop work and the nature of this therapy I’m receiving. That escapism will end as I get further along in therapy.

and in the end….i will hopefully be free of 21 long years of trauma and paralyzing pain.

my love to you all.

Joe Pantoliano on mental illness stigma April 27, 2009

thanks to Van for posting on this-I’ve been out of the loop and missed it although I am familiar with what Joe has been doing lately.

Joe Pantoliano (The Sopranos, Memento, The Matrix, The Goonies) started an organization called No Kidding, Me Too! He has a documentary coming out with the same title. I want to start off my saying, I commend him for this. Stigma is a real problem in America and throughout the world. We must bring an end to it!

This is Joe’s message at his website:
We are ready for the fight and we ask you to please join us in the revolution and help us educate souls all over the world to “Remove the Stigma!”

Mission
No Kidding, Me Too! is an organization whose purpose is to remove the stigma attached to brain dis-ease through education and the breaking down of societal barriers. Our goal is to empower those with brain dis-ease to admit their illness, seek treatment, and become even greater members of society.

The Goal
Make Brain Dis-ease cool and sexy. We want a normal conversation in America to be:

“I have bipolar disorder/schizophrenia/insert dis-ease”

“No Kidding, Me Too!”

Who Has The Stigma:
Those suffering from brain dis-eases including anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, specific phobias, depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating, pyromania, kleptomania, compulsive gambling, addictions, paranoia, multiple personality disorder, gender identity disorder, Down’s syndrome, psychosomatic disorder, tic disorders, and others.

How Will NKMT Accomplish This?
h Create strategic partnerships with members of industry, academia, organizations and government to ensure a broad-based spectrum of support and input.
h Organize the creative talents of our industry professionals to generate messages for various media and use our celebrity status to ensure these messages are heard. The messages will be of empowerment and acceptance and can include topics as basic as giving job opportunities to those with a brain dis-ease.
h Coordinate, participate in and generate interest for national and regional educational events consistent with our goal.

He has an impressive list of Advisory Board members, some of whom I greatly admire in the industry Joey and I share: Robert Downey, Jr, Ed Begley, Jr, Jeff Bridges, Edie Falco, Marcia Gay Harden, Ang Lee, Robin Williams and many more.

At his website there are photos of Joey from the screening of the teaser at the Democratic National Convention with people like Tony Goldwyn, Dana Delaney, Bobby Kennedy, Melissa Etheridge and Tom Fontana.

Here’s the teaser to his documentary:

Under the resources section at his website-the very first resource listed is NAMI. ahem. I wonder if Joe has researched Big Pharma’s influence at NAMI? Is he aware that Sen. Grassley is investigating NAMI’s funding? I am a registered Democrat and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with this party, a party who is ignoring the corruption of Big Pharma and anyone linked to Big Pharma mainly because of their involvement with them. They are looking out for themselves and those that financially support them instead of the PEOPLE. Senator Grassley is all alone and that is sad.

At Joe’s website he links to several articles, letters, humorous videos and some of this favorite quotes, here’s a sampling:

To Fight Stigmas, Start With Treatment

Call for New Home to Address Health Disparities for Mentally Ill

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

some of Joey’s favorite quotes

The teaser for his documentary opens with the statement:
1 in 4 Americans suffer from mental illness
4 in 5 Americans are affected by it

And then throughout you see more statistics on the screen:
87 million Americans have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness
There are over 350,000 diagnosed cases of PTSD resulting from the Iraq war
18 of our American heroes are committing suicide every day

And statements like these:
There is a fine line between madness & creativity
Mental illness is the only DIS-EASE which you can be diagnosed with, and get yelled at for having

Joe went public with his illness after he was hired to do a film. (FYI: one of the first things required for actors and directors before they start filming is to see a doctor and production schedules a physical for insurance purposes) He had done this over 70 times but in this case he told the doctor the two medications he was currently taking, one for depression and one for heart disease. His lawyers were then informed that the production company/studio could not insure Joe because he was taking an antidepressant. They were told Joe could sign a waiver basically saying if he had a ‘breakdown’ he would be financially responsible for the loss of work or a shutdown. Joe’s real problem and awakening was simple: they were willing to cover his heart but not his brain. That is stigma. We all know it and it’s something I’ve been fighting and living with for countless years. It’s heartbreaking.

However, in a separate (lengthy) taped discussion with Joe he discusses a number of topics, mostly stigma, his films, politics & mental illness. He also talks about the fact the he quit drinking and has started practicing yoga, he exercises, etc. He believes in the theory that mental illness is genetic. I believe he mentioned his mother was diagnosed bipolar. Now, I haven’t seen his documentary but when his teaser states 87 million Americans suffer from a mental illness-I doubt (and I hope I’m incorrect) that he mentions why we have this false statistic. This number has increased drastically simply due to Big Pharma’s influence and a bunch of doctors started diagnosing people for a variety of reasons: more money in their pockets, get the patient in and out as quickly as possible, falsified data and studies…the list goes on and on. Instead of dealing with the true issue at hand, whether it be trauma or dysfunction, it seems Joe has partially bought into the quick fix system. And he’s using his celebrity status with people in the government in hopes that his message will be heard. That would be all fine and good except there are many flaws in his message. I agree with ending stigma but ‘his message’ goes much, much deeper than that.

In chapter 15 of the discussion linked above someone asked him if he’s tried alternative treatments like acupuncture and he states that he does practice yoga and meditation, he partakes in talk therapy, 12 step groups, etc. He seems to be all over the map and that is fine. It is his path. But it will truly disturb me if he does not mention Big Pharma’s influence within our modern psychiatric world (doctors, NAMI, etc) in his documentary, No Kidding, Me Too!

Kevin Siers’ cartoon April 8, 2009

If this cartoon titled: Local Terrorist offends you, I encourage you to write a letter to the editor at the Charlotte Observer. According to his bio, Kevin’s cartoons are distributed to over 400 newspapers nationwide by King Features Syndicate.

Here are the email addresses:

Rick Thames, editor:
rthames@charlotteobserver.com

Letters to the editor:
opinion@charlotteobserver.com

Cartoonist Kevin Siers:
ksiers@charlotteobserver.com

This was my letter to the editor and I cc’d Rick and Kevin:

I am writing in regards to Kevin Siers’ cartoon titled “Local Terrorist”
http://www.charlotteobserver.com/kevinsiers/story/638466.html

Horrific images like this one promote the stigma associated with mental illness. Just look at some of the comments regarding Kevin’s cartoon. I find this cartoon extremely offensive as someone who has lived with a mental illness for more than 25 years. I must ask if you, your readers or Mr. Siers has a family member or close friend that suffers from depression or another mental illness? I have news for you: mental illness is an illness just like any other and it can be successfully treated. I am living proof of that-although, no thanks to Big Pharma. Unfortunately, I have spent more than half of my life living with the stigma associated with mental illness, meanwhile I have family members who have diabetes or cystic fibrosis and there is no stigma because people are not ‘afraid’ of those illnesses. People continue to be afraid of anyone with a mental illness partially thanks to cartoons like this. It is disgusting and you should all be ashamed for printing such a thing. This is one giant step backwards for the millions of people who have long suffered and been misunderstood. Don’t be surprised if you lose readers over this and you should!

****UPDATE: I should note that I don’t necessarily believe in mental illness these days. Of course my entire life I wanted to believe I had an illness because at the time it was the only thing keeping me alive as others around me labeled me crazy, odd, insane, etc. You get the picture. Today, this is my belief, if there is such a thing as mental illness…where is the scientific proof? Where is the cure? Scientists have had plenty of time to prove this and yet they haven’t. That speaks volumes. Instead we have numerous drugs promoted on television, pimped by our doctors and pharma reps for a quick fix. And let’s face it-there’s a a lot of money in it for Big Pharma and doctors. I wrote this email to Kevin because he does feed the stigmatization of a group of human beings that have been discriminated against their entire lives. That is not something I can sit back and ignore.

Ray Sandford March 18, 2009

Ray received another involuntary outpatient maintenance electroshock on March 4th. This is approximately his 40th. His next two scheduled electroshocks are March 25th and April 15th.

Please share this video and help stop his forced ECT.

For more information please visit MindFreedom!

Light and Shadow March 14, 2009

please everyone, check out: Light and Shadow.

It is a quarterly e-zine which focuses on moving beyond psych labels, psych diagnosis and mental health stigma.

3 year anniversary March 8, 2009

march 8, 2006-my first blog entry at my old website.
so much has happened since then.
is my life better?
absolutely.
am i still on the path to recovery?
yes, and i always will be.

I would like to think I have helped some people along the way. maybe they don’t feel so alone. but i will be honest-this is an outlet as well. after my last therapist dozed off during our pricey session, i quit therapy for good. this website allows me to voice my concerns, my fears, my anxieties and I would like to thank all of you who have been there for me over the years. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I have met some wonderful, beautiful, strong and compassionate people like Gianna, Stephany, John, Ana and so many others.

Over the last three years I’ve had many ups and downs, if you will. I lost my beloved cat of 16 years and I still miss her so. We adopted a beautiful, funny boy from a shelter a few months later. He had a rough past. Beaten, bloodied and lost most of his teeth when he was brought to the shelter but he, like so many of us, is strong and survived. His purrs soothe my soul. I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis and had several ovarian cysts. Shortly after, I had an injury at work and was diagnosed with sciatica. There has been much physical pain the past three years, and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. My entire life I have been battling the mental pain and was extremely healthy otherwise. I lost my health insurance, a frightening reality I never thought I would have to face. My work has slowed down tremendously due to the economy and strikes but I also reached a goal in my line of work that will soon provide health insurance and a pension. Lastly and most importantly, I got married and it was a beautiful day. The man I married knows me, he gets me and he is not afraid. He loves me unconditionally and has helped me break down some old walls. I know it’s not easy for him. He has no idea what it must have been like to be raped at 15 but he is always there, listening and comforting. I feel very lucky.

Over the past three years it has been bittersweet to see Big Pharma more and more in the news. As much as I hate the Rebecca Riley stories, these stories need to be heard. Thanks to Furious Seasons the Zyprexa and Seroquel documents were made available to the people who have earned the right to read them. Speaking of which, we have seen the descent of journalism. Newspapers are closing their doors. Great journalists are hard to find and we need them now more than ever. So, please head over the Furious Seasons and donate if you can. And over the past few years the Joe Biederman’s of the world are being called out. It has been a long time coming.

I have also began to question my mental illness. I have been labeled with so many, it’s hard to keep track of. I have been on antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. None of them have worked-although a few worked temporarily but that is not good enough. I deserve better. We all deserve better. And on the mark of my 3rd anniversary, I can say that I am happy to say goodbye to psychiatric medications. I have had a long love/hate relationship with them beginning many, many years ago. I’ve suffered through horrific side effects and withdrawals. I may never be the same because of them. However, I have learned there are other paths out there. Safer paths and I am choosing the safer one. It might be a more difficult path but it will be worth it in the end.

And lastly, I feel I have grown quite a bit the past three years. I have learned a lot. I cut off ties with my family around the historic election last year and have since began to mend things. We might not see eye-to-eye politically or even socially but I still love them. I have learned you can’t open everyone’s eyes and that is okay. What is important is….love. And enjoying life and your loved ones while we are here on this planet.

peace to you all.

comedy pt. 2 February 13, 2009

and this is comedy at its worst, script style.
(A true story, in fact, this happened today)

EXT WAITING ROOM-DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A WOMAN in her mid-30s sits waiting. She is lethargic, depressed, tired of it all. This is nothing new to her. She’s spent more than half of her life waiting, waiting for her doctors. SEVERAL PHARMACEUTICAL REPS enter as she waits for nearly 40 minutes. Her HUSBAND, by her side, *coughs* whenever they pass by and says, “drug pushers!”

I/E WAITING ROOM-DOCTOR’S OFFICE

A bored NURSE opens the door.

NURSE: Ms.____________?

The WOMAN rises. The usual. Weight check. Blood pressure check. The NURSE shows the WOMAN to her room.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

The woman takes her usual seat and she hears…

NURSE: The doctor will be right with you.
WOMAN: (sighing) Thank you.

The WOMAN is waiting, flipping through a magazine. She thinks, will this ever end? Finally, she hears a lot of chatter outside the door and it opens. Her DOCTOR enters.

DOCTOR: Soooo, how’s it going?
WOMAN: Oh, well, the usual. The Celexa is horrible, just as I suspected. An antidepressant with side effects of depression symptoms. Oh, by the way, I heard your husband died in car wreck. I am terribly sorry.
DOCTOR: (looking down) Thank you.
WOMAN: So, anyway, I cannot deal with these side effects. Especially the loss of libido and constant lethargy. One cannot get out of a depressive state when you are on a drug that brings on more depression or depressive symptoms. I have no desire or energy to go anywhere. The anxiety is still there. Am I better than three months ago? Absolutely. But this is not my idea of a life and I want my life back.
DOCTOR: Okay, let’s try something new.

The WOMAN rolls her eyes as her doctor scrolls through her computer looking for a cheap, generic alternative. She’s having a hard time finding the generic.

WOMAN: May I ask which drug are you looking for? As you know I’ve been on most of them.
DOCTOR: Wellbutrin
WOMAN: Sorry, I’m allergic, should be in my chart. Bad rash. Hospital. Out of the question.
DOCTOR: Oh shit, that’s right. So, let’s try Effexor. I’ll be back, I’ll grab some samples and go over everything.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE-MOMENTS LATER

The DOCTOR enters with a 14-day supply of Effexor XR. She sits down and faxes a prescription via her computer to the WOMAN’S pharmacy.

WOMAN: I think I’ve been on Effexor before. In fact, I am positive I have been. Although, thanks to memory loss from the numerous medications I’ve taken over my lifetime, I cannot remember a thing about it. I have one question for you, does Effexor have the side effects similar to Celexa, those I am so desperately trying to escape?
DOCTOR: Look, I know you’re more well-versed on medications than most of my patients. I know you do the research. But I will tell you this: with Effexor XR you will have no weight gain.
WOMAN: Great!
DOCTOR: No feelings of lethargy. No loss of libido or other sexual side effects.
WOMAN: (unsure, but willing to give it a shot again) Okay. I’ll try it out.
DOCTOR: I’ve also refilled your Xanax.
WOMAN: I’m happy you mentioned that, I’ve read numerous studies, heard and read horror stories on Xanax withdrawal, when I get to that stage, I’d like to meet with you and discuss the best possible withdrawal scenario.
DOCTOR: (behind schedule and not really listening) Okay, no problem.

INT. WOMAN’S CONDO-ONE HOUR LATER

The WOMAN sits at her computer furiously researching Effexor XR. This is what she finds. Common side effects of Effexor: headache, nausea, dry mouth, sweating, sleepiness or insomnia, and diarrhea or constipation, weight gain, loss of libido and a host of other sexual dysfunctions. Most everything but the weight gain and sexual dysfunctions usually goes away within a couple of weeks.

The WOMAN stares blankly at her computer, really not surprised at the information she has found. She wonders to herself, “Someone please explain to me, why am I PAYING this doctor?”

FADE TO BLACK.

light January 14, 2009

I can finally see the light. Not sure how long it will last but things are a little better. We somehow managed to pay our January rent and are now figuring out how to pay February’s rent.

I have decided to stay on the Celexa and Xanax until things calm down. If you know me, you know how difficult this decision was. I dream of a life free of meds, those meds that only help me escape and of course damage my body, my brain. Several of my side effects are gone though, the insomnia…finally. I think that was the Abilify and it is completely out of my system, I hope. No more slurred speech, feeling like a zombie.

Good riddance to a nasty drug.

I can’t find the commercial on youtube that has been running constantly on television but it basically sends this message and not once in the ad is Abilify described for what it is, an antipsychotic. Instead they are flat out deceiving the public into believing this is an “alternative” to be taken in conjunction with an antidepressant. The following information all comes from the Abilify website where you clearly see the words: ABILIFY as add-on therapy for depression. REALLY?!?

Finding relief from unresolved symptoms of depression can be challenging. Medicine can affect each person differently. A clinical study showed that many people with depression did not achieve adequate symptom relief after taking an antidepressant.

If you’re still dealing with unresolved symptoms of depression even after trying one or more antidepressants, it may be time for you and your healthcare professional to consider adding ABILIFY to your antidepressant treatment. You may be able to achieve additional symptom relief.

Clinical studies compared the use of an antidepressant plus placebo (sugar pill) with the use of an antidepressant plus ABILIFY. When ABILIFY was added to their antidepressant treatment, people experienced significant improvement in their symptoms of depression compared to people treated with an antidepressant plus placebo.

ABILIFY is approved by the FDA to help improve symptoms in adults with major depression when added to an antidepressant. Although everyone responds to medication differently, in clinical trials with add-on ABILIFY, some patients experienced a significant improvement in symptoms of depression as early as 1 to 2 weeks.

The advertisement runs fairly long because these jokers need to tell you the disgusting side effects, where again, Abilify pretends to be an antidepressant:

Antidepressants may increase suicidal thoughts or behaviors in some children, teenagers, and young adults, especially within the first few months of treatment or when the dose is changed. Depression and other serious mental illnesses are themselves associated with an increase in the risk of suicide. Patients on antidepressants and their families or caregivers should watch for new or worsening depression symptoms, unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient’s healthcare professional right away, especially if they are severe or occur suddenly. ABILIFY is not approved for use in pediatric patients with depression. Elderly people with psychosis related to dementia (for example, an inability to perform daily activities as a result of increased memory loss), treated with antipsychotic medicines including ABILIFY, are at an increased risk of death compared to placebo. ABILIFY is not approved for the treatment of people with dementia-related psychosis.

Hopefully soon these ads will disappear, they will be outlawed. Enough on this subject and back to what was to be my original post. I am taking small steps. Trying to eat healthier (not easy with little money) but I’m opting for soup vs. a .99 frozen pizza. I’ve gained at least 10 pounds since going back on meds a month or so ago and really need to watch what I put into my body. I’m hoping to get out and start walking again-I used to walk 5 miles a day and I miss it. But it is so very cold right now, not the best time to start. I want to say thank you to everyone who stopped by sending good thoughts. Knowing I’m not alone has been what’s kept me alive for so many years. So, truly, thank you very much.

lost and confused December 30, 2008

I just watched a video thanks to an entry at Beyond Meds.

*this video runs about 10 minutes and I hope you watch in its entirety-Dr. Breggin has some interesting things to say regarding children and psychiatric medications towards the end.

this video is powerful, informative and yet i feel… lost. confused. deceived. this video has triggered so many emotions. i don’t even know where to begin.

i’ll start with this. age 13. telling my parents i wanted to die over and over until….a trip to a psychiatrist’s office and i left with a diagnosis of depression. i have repeatedly discussed here my rape at 15 which i assumed only heightened my depression. it was so brutal, i blocked it from my memory for nearly 4 years. during my early 20s, i checked myself into a mental hospital because i wanted to feel normal. instead i was given dixie cups filled with medications and then kicked out because my insurance company would only pay for three or so days. at 30, five years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar. and I have seen several psychiatrists since then that agreed with that diagnosis.

after watching this video, my mind…is spinning. you see, I have ALWAYS believed I have a mental illness. and now, i question that. is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? i believed so and now i have doubts. i cannot describe to you what that feels like. there are millions of us with a ‘mental illness’ and all we’ve ever really wanted was to be understand and loved unconditionally. unfortunately our behaviors tend to push people away or scare them. they may very well be incapable of understanding, therefore, getting too close is impossible. that has usually been my experience with some family members and some friends. if there is not a name behind this, like, mental illness (even with its misunderstandings) i feel i will never be understood, only by those that are either open-minded or like me. again, my entire life i have wanted to be understood. my sister has a rare disease. it has a name and people understand, they comfort her, doctors care for her. what if mine does not have a name? what if it is much deeper than i ever imagined? my gut and my heart are both telling me right now (and I should probably listen) I don’t need a label, I just need to live my life.

addictive behaviors anyone? December 28, 2008

First of all, I feel compelled to say, I do not like labels. Bipolar, Alcoholic, Drug Addict, Anorexic, etc. I say this because I am at a point in my life where I do not want my illness to define me. On the other hand, I have always felt my life-long illness needs to be recognized and dealt with. Enough with this, my brain cannot go any further with this topic right now.

However, tonight, I am wondering why I continue to see patterns of addictive behaviors in my life. First of all, what defines addictive behaviors?

Any activity, substance, object, or behavior that has become the major focus of a person’s life to the exclusion of other activities, or that has begun to harm the individual or others physically, mentally, or socially is considered an addictive behavior. A person can become addicted, dependent, or compulsively obsessed with anything.

Twenty years ago, after my rape, it was alcohol. I drank until after the last call, begging the bartender for just one more. I was that girl. and that led to sex with nameless, faceless men. Those ‘addictions’ went on for several years. At one point I found myself attending AA meetings. I got nothing from them. I could not relate to anyone in the room. I quit after 6 months and guess what- I did not turn to the bottle. Nope. Exercise. excessive exercise. and then I got bored with that. Onto something new and a bit odd. In a bad, depressed state living with my parents in their furnished basement…my new addiction? Television. A highlighter and the TV Guide became my new best friends. I would highlight in that sweet little TV Guide every show I planned to watch that day. and the next day. and the next. Soon I moved onto cross-stitching. That lasted about 9 months. Then it was the internet. mid 90s i think. online chat rooms. staying up all night. sleeping all day.

When my sister got sick with an incurable disease, I researched it like a mad person. I spent hours, days and weeks reading stories and articles, trying to figure it all out and I could never quite put the pieces of the puzzle together.

In 1998 I began my career in the film industry. Work became my addiction. I secretly loved (and still do) the 12-19 hour days. the drama. the magic and everything else that one finds in my line of work. However, when I’m not working, for example, the film shoots for 2 months and I might be off for a month or so. I have to find something to fill the time. Let’s see, there was eBay, buying and selling constantly. Online social networks. Friendster then Myspace and now Facebook. For the past three years, on and off, blogging. books. dvds. and organizing them in alphabetical order. Oh, and I cannot leave out shopping. If the money is there- I spend it. And then I usually end up selling whatever I bought to pay bills. recently, my addiction has been word games: Scramble, Scrabble, Pathwords, all found at Facebook and highly addictive but now I’m tired of them and looking for something new.

And now my addiction is fire. no, please do not call 911. i am not an arsonist. i’m talking about this kind of fire:

I believe in healthy addictions but I also know they are escapes and that is my problem tonight. How do I stop escaping and just be, find peace, my center. and, is this part of my mental illness?

I’m open to suggestions or comments but let me tell you this first. I am flat broke, hence the donation button on my page. That cancels out yoga, acupuncture, therapy and anything involving money. I should also note my swain is/was a practicing Buddhist. He has tried to teach me breathing exercises and meditating, however, I cannot focus for more than a minute or two. racing thoughts maybe? avoiding something painful? i simply do not know.

you might be oblivious but sometimes you insult and hurt me

Thanks to finding optimism for this:

There are many ways to insult someone with depression, without even trying very hard. The best way is to give them some unsolicited advice. Something that you think is simple, yet profound, and potentially life changing. But said in ignorance. Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their illness, which is serious, is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it.

Here are the some of the terrible things that people say:
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“Just snap out of it!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”

ordinary people December 23, 2008

Today I was reminded of one of my favorite films, Ordinary People. It won 4 Oscars back in 1980. Best Picture, Best Director (Robert Redford), Best Supporting Actor (Timothy Hutton) and Best Screenplay. And yet it’s one of those films many people have not seen. I used to wonder why. and today I understand. It’s simple really and I’m surprised I never thought of it before. I grew up surrounded by many who put on the Cleaver family front. It was safe. comfortable. And this film is anything but. This film is raw and painful. beautiful and sad. honest and real. If you are someone who chooses to live behind the Cleaver fence or normal facade…this is a movie that forces you to remove walls and think. feel. empathize. go to “unsafe” places.

First, watch the trailer:

Celexa insomnia continues December 20, 2008

wow. The Celexa is really messing with my sleep schedule. Prior to the medication this was my average schedule when not working: to bed between midnight-3am and i would wake between 9am-noon.

and now, for example, this will give you an idea of my sleep schedule.
Thursday night, well Friday morning, rather…I went to bed at 7am and woke up at 9:30am to help a friend shop for her son’s Christmas toys. at least it got me out of the house. ran a few errands. came home, cleaned and then napped from 5ish-8pm. Went to bed at 3:30am and woke up this morning or actually bolted out of bed at 6:30am. I can’t go back to sleep although, physically my body is craving it, my eyelids are very heavy right now, can hardly keep them open to see the page. Mentally, I can’t. and so I made a pot of coffee, called my grandmother and parents. now, I’m wondering if this medication is worth the trouble. I did not call my doctor because I see her in 9 days and figured I’d talk about it then but the lack of sleep is really getting to me.

This reminds me of something a psychiatrist once told me: it is crucial to get outside at least 5 days a week and walk for 30 minutes. Make sure you get a solid 7-8 hours of sleep, preferably on the same schedule and take a strong multi-vitamin everyday.

songs and what they mean to me December 16, 2008

Music has become a big part of my life. It brings out emotions when I need to feel them. sadness. happiness. love. pain. anger.

Here are a few of my favorite songs and why:
(for some reason wordpress will not allow me to embed the audio)

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell
Sure, befriending her a few years ago has something to do with this. But more importantly her words speak to all of us. I listen to this song frequently and it has taught me a lot about LIFE.
click here to listen

Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen
I’m not that ‘music savvy’ however, I believe we can all interpret music in our own way. This song is very special. When I hear the lyrics:

It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming ‘Let me out’
Pray tomorrow – gets me higher
Pressure on people – people on streets

I think of the mentally ill screaming, let me out! the people on the streets, the homeless. we are all just as important. I have a BIG, probably impossible dream of someday using all of my contacts in the film/music industry and putting together a large event with 50 or more actors, artists, musicians, etc. who all come together on one stage to send the message- WE ARE ALL ONE….LET’S COME TOGETHER AND END THE MENTAL ILLNESS STIGMA. I imagine several people singing this particular song and as I’m driving in my car listening to it, dreaming, it sometimes makes me cry. Who knows…maybe someday, anything is possible.
click here to listen

I Won’t Back Down by Tom Petty
very similar to the above. this would be one of the songs played. why? when i listen to this song I think of one thing—I won’t back down, I will not let my illness defeat me. I will fight big pharma and the evil that surrounds them in the mental health world. For example, Stephany at soulful sepulcher is a true example of never backing down. And I dream of her being there on stage, with her daughter, singing along with Tom Petty.
click here to listen

Just Like Honey by The Jesus and Mary Chain
I just simply love this song. I haven’t quite figured out why. But it does remind me of a favorite film of mine, Lost in Translation.
click here to listen

lemonade award December 13, 2008

Stephany at soulful sepulcher very kindly awarded my blog with the Lemonade Award. It was quite a surprise and a true honor coming from her. I sincerely thank her. I have enjoyed reading her blog for a year or so now. she reminds me of Erin Brockovich-although on a somewhat different journey, Stephany, like Erin, is a fighter. she fights for truth and justice and peace. but more importantly, she fights for her child. she fights and lives for love. and she never gives up. she is truly gifted and is able to find so much beauty in a (sometimes) ugly world.

this is a little more difficult than i expected. you see, as i type, i long for understanding from my mother. i have her love. but she turns her head when it comes to my illness. for many reasons. her mother was mentally ill and i know i must be a reminder of things unknown to me but possibly sad, tragic events from her own childhood. my mother sees my behavior and actions and does not “see” the illness. my mother chooses to not talk about my illness and feels she must walk on eggshells around me. i understand. i can be unpredictable and most definitely emotional. i take many things personally. but that is who i am. i remember when i checked myself into a mental hospital over ten years ago…my family and then friends did not know what to say or how to act around me. i felt safe and loved only by the people i met at the hospital. since then, things have changed. i lost touch with the girls at the hospital. but my parents still love me, unconditionally and that’s all i can ask for. these days i am very fortunate to have friends who listen to me and love me unconditionally. today i spent time with two of those friends. they have been helping me get through the past few weeks, listening to me and loving me. and i am grateful for the internet and the ability to connect with so many people that do understand me.

Stephany has been to hell and back. she has the scars to prove it. and mostly all for her beautiful daughter. she is a rare flower. there are very few people in this world willing to stick around, listen, understand, love and fight for such a long time. i can think of numerous people that have called me over the years asking me to call their mentally ill friend or family member because they didn’t know what to say. they were tired of trying to understand. they were giving up. and so, thank you, stephany…for never giving up.

The rules of this award are as follows:

* Put the logo on your blog or post.
* Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

and here are my ten nominees, some know what it’s like to fight and survive in a world full of stigma. some know what it’s like when the darkness is both comforting and disturbing. some chose a path without medication, knowing all too well that most psychiatric medications do not work. some speak out against the pharmaceutical companies that are poisoning our children, friends and the elderly. some take these very medications to stay alive. some are still trying to figure out their own path. and all of whom are very brave souls.

beyond meds

…salted lithium

tilting at windmills

polarcoaster

if you’re going through hell keep going

experimental chimp

storied mind

chunks of reality

bipolar recovery

the trouble with spikol

one bipolar life