hello again, internet. it’s been almost a year since i’ve even been to my site, let alone any others.
it’s been an extremely difficult year. i am not ready to get into why and i may never be. (not here at least) the good news from this year? i qualified for insurance via the (insert my occupation’s union).
please pinch me. 20 free acupuncture sessions a year? free contact lenses, frames? physicals? therapy? pretty much everything is nearly 100% covered except plastic surgery. wow, quite the drastic change from my previous plan which i paid countless dollars into for over a decade only to be pushed out of the plan when a doctor suggested i needed a hysterectomy.
now if i could just get to the place where i could schedule acupuncture. right now, it’s a task to get off the couch. i did have an acupuncture session a few months ago but nothing since. i’m back to that dark place. this go-around, very dark. lately i have been thinking this world, my friends and family would be better off without me. i’ve wondered if i’m worth more dead than alive. the list is long and i am frightened that i’m even thinking these thoughts, to say the least.
i question what is going on with my….mind. unresolved trauma? i worked several back-to-back jobs and never returned to the sexual assault crisis center after the required absence due to the nature of my job. do i truly have a mental illness? i’m still putting my money on unresolved trauma but i don’t even know where to begin to heal. i’ve tried so many times and failed just as many. i know pills are not the answer. they are a temporary fix and sometimes a deadly one. but i am back on lamictal…of all of the drugs out there, it’s the only one i had very few side effects on. and until i can get out of this dark, dark place and figure things out, i feel it’s the only option. i will admit though, calling my doctor and filling that prescription was not easy.
however, this is me, now: no energy. no ambition. no hope. i feel next to nothing. it’s a place i’m familiar with and extremely tired of. i want it to stop. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to laugh. i want the cycle, that begin at the age of 13 when i saw my first therapist, to STOP.
i want…i really, really want to find my version of dr. paul weston (from HBO’s ‘In Treatment’) we watched season 2 a month or so ago and i can’t get him out of my head. i’ve seen countless therapists and i’ve never met anyone that comes close to him.
maybe that’s why he’s fictional.
but i know there’s a good therapist out there and i’m going to find him or her. i will not give up. no matter the dark thoughts i’m having, i guess i do still have hope after all. i will get through this, i’m just tired of the constant set backs.
peace to you all and happy holidays.
set backs are inherit in life. I have good days and bad days. Memory reminds me neither good times or bad times are permanent. No feeling? If I feel that way I add sea salt to my food and (for example) I then can get emotional listening to sad music. We (mammals) came from the sea.Missing some trace ocean element maybe.
No response? Yes I was kind of nuts when I wrote the above comment Nov 23. but hey thats life.
oh no, not all…i am never here anymore. i don’t have the energy to write these days although i do miss this outlet.
in regards to your first comment. i quite adore sea salt actually…interesting concept.
hope all is well with you and i hope to return to my blog….someday.
were you aware that even the famous author Virginia Woolf dealt with sexual abuse? This was a revelation to me in her autobiographical work, “Moments of Being”….makes a difference in how i see the labels now…most of us have unresolved trauma in our past, i’m afraid. Hang in there.
a good article you might want to read:
Rebuilding My Boundaries After Abuse
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/04/16/rebuilding-my-boundaries-after-abuse/
i found your blog and appreciate your depth. it is the sane who are nuts sometimes with the conflicted world we live in. I wish you peace and joy in the small things and some big things each day. They are there, and friends help us to spot them amid the chaff of life. don’t be afraid to walk together because you are not alone.
You really are a great writer and this blog has so much heart. I said before that you aren’t alone. I hope you are well and energized about life in the moment, the now. Which is where the cool stuff usually happens when we let it. Too bad there’s no way to link from this (static?) Blog to something that is current. Because I’m sure you are a great friend to those you are with. Carry on the good stuff please however you are going from here!