a new year and new beginnings December 31, 2008

this is what i do know:

1) i am a simple girl and cannot write as eloquently or intelligently as so many of you out there. i am (kinda) okay with this.

2) i am 35 and for 15+ years of my life I have been on/off psychiatric medications. not one of them worked long-term. many (too many) of them had horrific side effects and long-term side effects that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life, possibly.

3) Big Pharma is not there to help the mentally ill, cure us, or even make us feel better. Big Pharma=Big Money in their pockets. Whether it be a Prozac Nation or an Atypical Antipsychotic Nation, they do not want a Healthy Nation. In simple terms, they would lose a tremendous amount of money since psychiatric medications are their best selling drugs.

4) Doctors are becoming more and more corrupt. The Joe Biederman’s and Charles B. Nemeroff’s of the world are proof of this. Doctors in the mental health field seem to both listen and care less. We are becoming numbers, not patients. I know this from experience. A therapist who dozed off during our session (a session I was paying good money for!) Numerous psychiatrists that write multiple prescriptions without even blinking or thinking. with no warning of the drug’s side effects or withdrawal symptoms. We see doctors prescribing multiple medications to children while their brains are still developing and they are not willing to figure out what’s really going on with these children. It’s all about the quick fix regardless of the severe and damaging consequences.

5) We need more science. period.

what i don’t know and the rest, after some soul-searching, i have decided to travel my own path. i will figure it out along the way. i will continue to do my own research. i will try new things like meditation, yoga and supplements. and revisit things that have worked for me in the past, acupuncture, keeping an open mind. all in hopes of finding a balance. my center. i will continue writing as it the best form of therapy for me right now. i will attempt to face a past traumatic experience and figure out how to let it go. its grasp is still there after so many years and can be crippling at times. i will attempt to stop seeking understanding from those that may never understand and instead, live my life. after all, it is my body, my mind and i don’t know how long i’ll be here on earth. i need to make the best of my life, no matter how difficult it may feel or get at times.

i will seek more love, forgiveness and peace in the new year.

and i’m wishing a happy new year to all of you!

some humor (kinda) December 30, 2008

just a simple post. the last entry drained me a bit and i need to do some soul-searching, might be gone for a day or two…maybe not.

anyway, today i had to see my internist (can’t afford a psychiatrist) for a follow-up visit. i actually arrived early, i was feeling good. the birds were chirping. i didn’t have to wait for an elevator. i entered the cramped elevator and pressed 7, smiling and then the elevator stopped at the hospital level and a girl resembling a beauty queen or former cheerleader entered.

she kinda looked like this…

except she was wearing a suit, toting a crate on rollers stocked full (almost overflowing) of Lexapro. her shoulder touched mine and my smile faded. i wanted to push her. punch her. but no, i was a good girl. she got off on the same floor and went a different direction. i was tempted to follow her and give her an earful but I knew she would just blankly stare at me and say something like….

“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and that I believe our education like such as Lexapro, blow job, lunch on me, wink wink, South Africa and the Iraq, and everywhere, such as, Lexapro, here’s some pens and notepads, aren’t they pretty? and I believe that they should our education over here in the US, should help the US, or should help South Africa and help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build out our future for us. Gimme an L! Gimme an E! Gimme an X! Gimme an A-oh gosh darnit i forget the rest….”

lost and confused December 30, 2008

I just watched a video thanks to an entry at Beyond Meds.

*this video runs about 10 minutes and I hope you watch in its entirety-Dr. Breggin has some interesting things to say regarding children and psychiatric medications towards the end.

this video is powerful, informative and yet i feel… lost. confused. deceived. this video has triggered so many emotions. i don’t even know where to begin.

i’ll start with this. age 13. telling my parents i wanted to die over and over until….a trip to a psychiatrist’s office and i left with a diagnosis of depression. i have repeatedly discussed here my rape at 15 which i assumed only heightened my depression. it was so brutal, i blocked it from my memory for nearly 4 years. during my early 20s, i checked myself into a mental hospital because i wanted to feel normal. instead i was given dixie cups filled with medications and then kicked out because my insurance company would only pay for three or so days. at 30, five years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar. and I have seen several psychiatrists since then that agreed with that diagnosis.

after watching this video, my mind…is spinning. you see, I have ALWAYS believed I have a mental illness. and now, i question that. is there such a thing as a chemical imbalance? i believed so and now i have doubts. i cannot describe to you what that feels like. there are millions of us with a ‘mental illness’ and all we’ve ever really wanted was to be understand and loved unconditionally. unfortunately our behaviors tend to push people away or scare them. they may very well be incapable of understanding, therefore, getting too close is impossible. that has usually been my experience with some family members and some friends. if there is not a name behind this, like, mental illness (even with its misunderstandings) i feel i will never be understood, only by those that are either open-minded or like me. again, my entire life i have wanted to be understood. my sister has a rare disease. it has a name and people understand, they comfort her, doctors care for her. what if mine does not have a name? what if it is much deeper than i ever imagined? my gut and my heart are both telling me right now (and I should probably listen) I don’t need a label, I just need to live my life.

the united states of tara December 29, 2008

Showtime has put the entire first episode of The United States of Tara on its website.

To access the episode, click on this link, and then click “Watch Now”

enter the password: tara

The comedy, which stars Toni Collette as Tara Gregor, a woman with multiple personalities, was created by Steven Spielberg, and developed by Diablo Cody of Juno fame. The show will officially begin airing January 18.

I just finished watching it and really liked it. a lot.

happy post December 29, 2008

wow. okay, it’s been 3 months since my first happy post. what does that tell you. anyway, this is one of my all time favorite videos.
it’s a tearjerker but also makes me very happy!

addictive behaviors anyone? December 28, 2008

First of all, I feel compelled to say, I do not like labels. Bipolar, Alcoholic, Drug Addict, Anorexic, etc. I say this because I am at a point in my life where I do not want my illness to define me. On the other hand, I have always felt my life-long illness needs to be recognized and dealt with. Enough with this, my brain cannot go any further with this topic right now.

However, tonight, I am wondering why I continue to see patterns of addictive behaviors in my life. First of all, what defines addictive behaviors?

Any activity, substance, object, or behavior that has become the major focus of a person’s life to the exclusion of other activities, or that has begun to harm the individual or others physically, mentally, or socially is considered an addictive behavior. A person can become addicted, dependent, or compulsively obsessed with anything.

Twenty years ago, after my rape, it was alcohol. I drank until after the last call, begging the bartender for just one more. I was that girl. and that led to sex with nameless, faceless men. Those ‘addictions’ went on for several years. At one point I found myself attending AA meetings. I got nothing from them. I could not relate to anyone in the room. I quit after 6 months and guess what- I did not turn to the bottle. Nope. Exercise. excessive exercise. and then I got bored with that. Onto something new and a bit odd. In a bad, depressed state living with my parents in their furnished basement…my new addiction? Television. A highlighter and the TV Guide became my new best friends. I would highlight in that sweet little TV Guide every show I planned to watch that day. and the next day. and the next. Soon I moved onto cross-stitching. That lasted about 9 months. Then it was the internet. mid 90s i think. online chat rooms. staying up all night. sleeping all day.

When my sister got sick with an incurable disease, I researched it like a mad person. I spent hours, days and weeks reading stories and articles, trying to figure it all out and I could never quite put the pieces of the puzzle together.

In 1998 I began my career in the film industry. Work became my addiction. I secretly loved (and still do) the 12-19 hour days. the drama. the magic and everything else that one finds in my line of work. However, when I’m not working, for example, the film shoots for 2 months and I might be off for a month or so. I have to find something to fill the time. Let’s see, there was eBay, buying and selling constantly. Online social networks. Friendster then Myspace and now Facebook. For the past three years, on and off, blogging. books. dvds. and organizing them in alphabetical order. Oh, and I cannot leave out shopping. If the money is there- I spend it. And then I usually end up selling whatever I bought to pay bills. recently, my addiction has been word games: Scramble, Scrabble, Pathwords, all found at Facebook and highly addictive but now I’m tired of them and looking for something new.

And now my addiction is fire. no, please do not call 911. i am not an arsonist. i’m talking about this kind of fire:

I believe in healthy addictions but I also know they are escapes and that is my problem tonight. How do I stop escaping and just be, find peace, my center. and, is this part of my mental illness?

I’m open to suggestions or comments but let me tell you this first. I am flat broke, hence the donation button on my page. That cancels out yoga, acupuncture, therapy and anything involving money. I should also note my swain is/was a practicing Buddhist. He has tried to teach me breathing exercises and meditating, however, I cannot focus for more than a minute or two. racing thoughts maybe? avoiding something painful? i simply do not know.

this is goop December 28, 2008

a few months ago actress, Gwyneth Paltrow started a website called GOOP. Some might be thinking who cares about an actress and her stupid website. But I hope you will see Gwyneth as a human being just like us and check out her website. Especially the BE section. There you will find Q & A’s from people like Deepak Chopra, Michael Berg of the Kabbalah Centre, Episcopal priest Cynthia Bourgeault, Sufi Shaikh Kabir Helminski, and New York psychologist Karen Binder-Brynes.

I signed up for the GOOP newsletter and have found some things to be very helpful and inspirational.

you might be oblivious but sometimes you insult and hurt me December 28, 2008

Thanks to finding optimism for this:

There are many ways to insult someone with depression, without even trying very hard. The best way is to give them some unsolicited advice. Something that you think is simple, yet profound, and potentially life changing. But said in ignorance. Nothing cuts deeper to someone with depression, than when their illness, which is serious, is trivialized by another who doesn’t understand it.

Here are the some of the terrible things that people say:
“This is what life is like. Get used to it.”
“Life isn’t meant to be easy.”
“Just snap out of it!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Who said that life is fair?”
“You just have to get on with things.”
“At least it’s not that bad.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“You have so many things. What do you have to feel down about?”
“You just need to cheer up.”
“Quit trying to be a martyr.”
“Stop taking all those medicines.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been depressed for whole days at a time.”
“You don’t like feeling that way? So change it!”

little blue pills December 27, 2008

from the washington post

The Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years, and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. His visitor, a CIA officer, saw an opportunity, and reached into his bag for a small gift.

Four blue pills. Viagra.

“Take one of these. You’ll love it,” the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.

The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes — followed by a request for more pills.

For U.S. intelligence officials, this is how some crucial battles in Afghanistan are fought and won. While the CIA has a long history of buying information with cash, the growing Taliban insurgency has prompted the use of novel incentives and creative bargaining to gain support in some of the country’s roughest neighborhoods, according to officials directly involved in such operations.

In their efforts to win over notoriously fickle warlords and chieftains, the officials say, the agency’s operatives have used a variety of personal services. These include pocketknives and tools, medicine or surgeries for ailing family members, toys and school equipment, tooth extractions, travel visas, and, occasionally, pharmaceutical enhancements for aging patriarchs with slumping libidos, the officials said.
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“Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people — whether it’s building a school or handing out Viagra,” said one longtime agency operative and veteran of several Afghanistan tours. Like other field officers interviewed for this article, he spoke on the condition of anonymity when describing tactics and operations that are largely classified.

click here to continue reading.

is this our answer for everything these days? PILLS? seems so.

wise up December 27, 2008

a clip from one of my favorite films, Magnolia

Beyond Meds at NING December 27, 2008

From Gianna at Beyond Meds.

I just started a NING social network called Beyond Meds for like minded souls to converse and socialize. If you are interested in joining (and right now I’m the only member—I have no idea if this will fly) please click here and sign up!!

Thanks to a long-time reader and friend who suggested it.

I’ve been thinking of starting some sort of yahoo group for a while, but this is better. Now we just have to see if people are interested. Pass it on to anyone who might be interested in the support group aspect of it but might not want to visit this blog regularly.

Anyone who wants to help me or give me feedback it’s welcome. It took all of three minutes to start this and really I don’t know what I’m doing. I also only feel half way decent a couple of hours a day and sometimes not even that. If you have experience with NING and can help please let me know!!

What is a NING social network? It’s a place for us all to gather and give each other support about alternatives to psychiatry, drug withdrawal, the politics of mental health etc etc. You can largely define what happens there. Please give it a whirl.

And spread the word!!

click here to join!

LOST December 27, 2008

LOST season 5
25 days and counting…..

this is my favorite show on network television. actually the only show i watch on network tv (well, occasionally 30 Rock) i turned down working on the pilot and have no regrets but it’s a brilliant show. a few months ago i met michael emerson (benjamin linus) and it was quite possibly the geekiest moment of my career. i’m usually professional but could not contain my excitement! thank god he was a nice, cool, normal guy!

speaking (slurring) of seroquel December 26, 2008

This news is absolutely ridiculous. pathetic. sad. infuriating.

AstraZeneca PLC said Wednesday that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has asked for more information regarding the drug Seroquel, which AstraZeneca is trying to get approved for use by people suffering from depression.

read more here.

I’d like to hear from one person who has taken Seroquel for depression or bipolar and did not feel drugged all the time. who didn’t sleep all the time. maybe your speech was slurred or you felt underwater. I would certainly like to hear from someone who did not gain (a lot of) weight on this drug.

and let’s not forget those who were diagnosed with diabetes after taking this disgusting medication. don’t believe me? read this article, Dying from Diabetes: The mentally ill.

I am convinced Seroquel will not help those who are depressed. The only thing it will do is knock them out. How the %*$* is that helping?!?

a message to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration:
Do the right thing! Listen to the patients of the world-not Big Pharma!

crazy meds, insomnia continues December 26, 2008

The last three days I have literally bolted out of bed before 6am, wide awake. 5:55am today. went to bed around 2am. highly unusual for me. As I’ve stated before, I never awake until 9, 10 or 11ish unless I have to be somewhere. and it’s not uncommon at all (actually happens very frequently) to wake before the sun rises when I’m on a shoot. but I’m not working. I’m unemployed and suddenly after 35 years of being nocturnal, I am a morning person and not sleeping. Is this part of life, getting older? or is it the Celexa? I’m going with the latter because the ‘morning person’ thing began shortly after I started taking the Celexa. My face and body are bloated and I’m feeling, well, depressed. So much for antidepressants. I’ve always thought if I need to be medicated it should be a mood stabilizer but alas, I hit a plateau with the Lamictal last winter and could no longer afford my prescription at 171/month.

So, it seems we (those with a mental illness) have four choices:

1) Antipsychotics: Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify, Risperdal, Geodon, etc..

nasty side effects and who knows what kind of long term risks. I was a zombie on Seroquel, I gained 50 pounds in less than two months and it leads to diabetes. I recently had bizarre side effects on Abilify. Anyway, all sorts of lawsuits against the makers of these drugs. enough said.

2) Antidepressants: Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Serzone, etc…

a plethora of side effects ranging from insomnia, weight gain, headache, nausea, dry mouth, sweating, sleepiness, diarrhea or constipation, loss of libido, loss of coordination and memory loss. I’m sure I am forgetting some but that would be due to my “memory loss” thanks to these meds. My swain took Serzone for years for his anxiety, he figured, sure, it might destroy my liver but it gets me out of the house and functioning. How is that fair? It’s hard to find these days and he no longer takes it.

3) Mood Stabilizers: Lamictal, Depakote, Lithium, etc.

I love crazymeds description of Depakote’s cons: You’ll get fat, bald, tired, confused, uninterested in sex, unable to hold your liquor and everything will give you heartburn and/or the runs. Sounds like a real great time, no thanks!

4) Eastern Medicine, supplements, diet, exercise, etc.

It is my greatest hope that someday I can afford Eastern Medicine on a consistent basis and find the motivation to eat well, exercise, etc. but until then, what? For now, I will continue the Celexa and Xanax unless my doctor has a better idea when I see her on Monday. But I have no doubt, she, like most of my other psychiatrists, psychologists and internists in the past, do not know my body or these medications better than I do. I have nothing but time for research. And the pharmaceutical companies aren’t paying me to pimp their drugs.

Research=knowledge. Knowledge opens your eyes to other possibilities and other paths. and mostly, knowledge slaps you in the face with the cold, hard reality that none of these medications work more than short-term in my opinion. and they make us sicker, which is why so many of us are prescribed numerous meds to deal with the side effects from the other meds.

Our rent is due in 6 days. At this point, I don’t think we’ll be able to pay it unless some miracle happens and so I’m still accepting donations (paypal button at the top right sidebar) My sincere thanks to the two people that did donate, a complete stranger donated one dollar and it brought tears to my eyes. And a new reader donated $42.00. I will be forever grateful to you both. The holidays are over and in order to get through these next 6 days I am going to up my Xanax dosage, I don’t see another option. Otherwise, it will lead me to a dark, ugly place and I do not want to go back there. Speaking of which, I will say one nice thing about some of the medications listed above-they do work temporarily in some cases. Late Nov/Early December, I was having suicidal thoughts for the first time in 11 plus years. The Abilify, Celexa or Xanax did get me out of that place, but I CANNOT go back. I’m too fragile right now.

merry christmas December 25, 2008