paging dr. paul weston November 19, 2010

hello again, internet. it’s been almost a year since i’ve even been to my site, let alone any others.

it’s been an extremely difficult year. i am not ready to get into why and i may never be. (not here at least) the good news from this year? i qualified for insurance via the (insert my occupation’s union).

please pinch me. 20 free acupuncture sessions a year? free contact lenses, frames? physicals? therapy? pretty much everything is nearly 100% covered except plastic surgery. wow, quite the drastic change from my previous plan which i paid countless dollars into for over a decade only to be pushed out of the plan when a doctor suggested i needed a hysterectomy.

now if i could just get to the place where i could schedule acupuncture. right now, it’s a task to get off the couch. i did have an acupuncture session a few months ago but nothing since. i’m back to that dark place. this go-around, very dark. lately i have been thinking this world, my friends and family would be better off without me. i’ve wondered if i’m worth more dead than alive. the list is long and i am frightened that i’m even thinking these thoughts, to say the least.

i question what is going on with my….mind. unresolved trauma? i worked several back-to-back jobs and never returned to the sexual assault crisis center after the required absence due to the nature of my job. do i truly have a mental illness? i’m still putting my money on unresolved trauma but i don’t even know where to begin to heal. i’ve tried so many times and failed just as many. i know pills are not the answer. they are a temporary fix and sometimes a deadly one. but i am back on lamictal…of all of the drugs out there, it’s the only one i had very few side effects on. and until i can get out of this dark, dark place and figure things out, i feel it’s the only option. i will admit though, calling my doctor and filling that prescription was not easy.

however, this is me, now: no energy. no ambition. no hope. i feel next to nothing. it’s a place i’m familiar with and extremely tired of. i want it to stop. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i want to laugh. i want the cycle, that begin at the age of 13 when i saw my first therapist, to STOP.

i want…i really, really want to find my version of dr. paul weston (from HBO’s ‘In Treatment’) we watched season 2 a month or so ago and i can’t get him out of my head. i’ve seen countless therapists and i’ve never met anyone that comes close to him.

maybe that’s why he’s fictional.

but i know there’s a good therapist out there and i’m going to find him or her. i will not give up. no matter the dark thoughts i’m having, i guess i do still have hope after all. i will get through this, i’m just tired of the constant set backs.

peace to you all and happy holidays.

little black sandals December 23, 2009

hello dear readers if you’re still out there. i simply cannot believe i have been away for nearly 6 months. firstly i’d like to thank the lovely Ana for the inspirational blog award back in september. very sweet and nice company.

i never expected my break from writing to be this drawn out but life and work took over. my father-in-law passed away two weeks ago Monday, he was 62. needless to say, his passing has been very difficult and i’m doing my best to be there for my husband. but it’s not easy, i will not lie. i’ve also been working on back-to-back films and will be preoccupied until mid-march however i’m on a holiday hiatus until early january so i thought i would pop in here as i feel the need to put ‘pen to paper’ if you will.

i’m still seeing my new therapist at the sexual assault center and she is lovely. i haven’t seen her in over a month because of work but she checks in on me via email. i must add this is the first time in 23 years of therapy that a therapist has actually reached out to me! i have always been a number. the next patient in line. but she is different. she cares. and that means the world to me. the therapy has been difficult and we’ve only just begun. it’s quite the process and so many old wounds have been opened. i am okay with this as i know they must be opened in order for me to heal. but. well. wow. how to find the words. i’m still trying to wrap my brain around all of it. honestly, i think this entire process would be a lot easier had doctors not labeled me and medicated me for 20 years and instead dealt with the issue at hand: trauma. but, such is life and so, instead, here i am, a girl at the age of 36 trying to recover from a brutal rape that happened so many years ago. and of course, during this therapy process many other things have come up, which is natural but extremely difficult to say the least.

i had an enlightening moment/conversation the other day and i can’t believe i had never thought of it before or maybe i had but chose to ignore it. the conversation was with a man that has every right to be considered a victim…certainly of victim of discrimination as I am. however, he does not live his life as a victim and is sometimes annoyed by those that do. he knows of my past, the rape, etc but he truly opened my eyes. this isn’t about sweeping the event under the rug and pretending it never happened. this isn’t about pretending that for the past 20 years big pharma and doctors haven’t had me drugged up to keep money in their pockets. it is more about, well, do I choose to remain a victim and wear that label or do I free myself from that label? i suppose i have worn the victim label for so many years because i have always wanted understanding from those that did not understand. i wanted compassion, love and healing. even though so many see it as a ‘poor her, pity party, she just wants attention moment’

well, it’s not about them. some may never understand. some may never find ‘true’ compassion. i must move on and live my life and not as a victim. the label is old and tired. and so am i.

i need to be free. i need to break out of the victim mentality and yet still find a way to heal. i am sure this is possible, i just need to figure out the path. part of it will be to continue working in my line of work which is creative and full of passion and like-minded people. there is no fear of stigma or discrimination in my line of work and i’m extremely grateful for that. part will be continuing my therapy at the sexual assault center. i think the biggest part will be the most difficult. re-training my brain. i have been extremely vocal about my rape and my experiences with the ‘mental illness’ diagnoses I received for a very good reason. we all know what it’s like to feel alone in this world. we all know what it’s like to feel and be misunderstood and so, i started this journey of writing nearly four years ago so that people would not feel alone. so that I would not feel alone. however, it has left me ‘trapped’ in the victim mindset. and i have allowed that. i can no longer do so in order to fully heal.

we have all been through so much. more than we would wish on our worst enemies. i know most of you understand the feeling of…just when all seems good in life, the darkness is right around the corner. it’s exhausting. i know. and yet we are all so very strong. we are survivors. we are alive. and we can overcome what bad doctors and big pharma have done to us (yes I blame them and will continue to do so until the day i die) we can overcome what those who assaulted us have done to our spirits, our minds, our bodies. i believe this. i truly do. we will find peace.

i guess my broader point is this. i no longer want to be a victim. i have been a victim for far too long. i want to be me. whoever that may be. peace to you all this holiday season.

“These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals are heading the right way
These little black sandals are walking me away
These little black sandals saved my life today
So now I’m free
Free from the big bad giant who was stalking me”
—Little Black Sandals lyrics written by Sia.

this should be interesting July 14, 2009

a film currently in pre-production, Love and Other Drugs. starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway.

synopsis: A humorous expose of the highly competitive and cutthroat world of pharmaceuticals, where salesmen schmooze doctors, nurses and hospitals to get them to use their brand of drugs. Gyllenhaal will play the salesman, who begins a relationship with a woman who has Parkinson’s (Hathaway) while on one of his sales calls. Their love story plays out in the political and social context of the time.

Charles Randolph (a former professor of Philosophy) wrote the screenplay and Edward Zwick is directing.

wish I could write more, too much going on. my best and love to all of you (if any) who are still reading here.

beauty in tragedy June 27, 2009

i must admit. i really miss writing. but life has been hectic lately, to say the least.

i am in the middle of therapy at a local sexual assault center. it’s a wonderful place and i’m finally getting the ‘right’ treatment. trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy. so, 21 years this summer since I was brutally raped. the mask is off. the walls are coming down. and i am healing. finally. no more doctors pushing the dangerous medications…just a loving environment focusing on the trauma in my life. and there is a lot of it.

my therapist asked me last week if there was anything in her office that made me feel unsafe. the simple fact that there are no pharma reps pimping their latest drugs is good enough for me. i didn’t say that but she knows how i feel about them.

i have found beauty in tragedy there. i see children playing (they are big on play therapy) outside the window of my therapist’s office in the yard or in the sand box. i see paintings and drawings from children ages 2-14 covering the walls in the hallways and my therapist’s office. and i cry. i cry tears of joy and pain. but mostly joy. i know why these young girls are there. i stared at a girl around age 7 in the waiting room one day and my heart was heavy knowing why she was there. (this center only sees victims of sexual abuse) and yet i also felt joy knowing this girl (and others there) are getting the proper help now versus 21 years later like me. something tells me their life will be less painful and a little easier. and i cry…thankful for places like this.

i sometimes sit there and stare at the children and think….if only i had found the right treatment earlier. and then i remind myself i blocked out my rape for nearly 4 years and then spent years of escaping…listening to the wrong doctors and therapists, allowing them to label me with every ‘mental illness’ in the book. allowing them to medicate me, believing it was the only solution. and yet, i do not live with regret. it took 21 years to come to this place for a reason. i don’t know why but there is a reason and someday i will know. i think i probably already do and just can’t express it right now because there is so much going on. i have not been reading blogs or the news…still. i miss my friends and readers here. but….my husband’s father is dying. quickly. cancer in his liver. stomach. colon (which they removed) and lymph nodes. we have been out of town. my husband is making peace with the man (his father) whom he had not seen in 14 years for a very good reason. and now, we wait. well, he waits for the phone call. it may come today. it may come in 4 months. but it will come and it saddens me. i wish i were in a better place to comfort him during this time. it’s something i am working on.

i don’t want to get too much into the details…it is not my story to tell. but sometimes when one is on their deathbed there is often much regret for the horrible things they have done to loved ones. i do not want to have that regret someday. and so i will continue on my path of love, compassion and honesty.

in regards to my family, they are waiting for me to call them and ‘mend’ things….and although it hurts….i will do it, eventually. sooner rather than later. because, again, i do not want to be on my deathbed someday with regret.

i will continue to seek the beauty in tragedy. it is all i know to do.
peace to you all.

it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it June 5, 2009

it’s not/what you thought/when you first began it…
lyrics from Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up”
from one of my favorite songs and film, Magnolia.

my absence is not due simply to work (i’m finished and broke again) or negative attacks. it’s also simply (and i hope i don’t offend anyone but if I do, I apologize in advance….) I need to take of ME.

21 years ago around this time, i was raped. as my regular readers know, it was so brutal, i blocked it from my mind for nearly four years until something triggered it. then, at 19, i began traveling a road of escapism, addictive behaviors, etc. along the way I was diagnosed with just about every ‘mental illness’ out there…first depression, then double depression, then borderline personality disorder and lastly bipolar. I’ve been on numerous psychiatric medications all of my adult life.

and now, as I’m about to turn 36 next week, i have realized (with the help of some dear friends and readers…you know who you are and I am eternally grateful to you!!!) that it’s not what i thought when i first began it. for the majority of my life, i wanted to BELIEVE I had a mental illness. i took the pills. i spent tens of thousands in medical bills…saw the most expensive psychiatrists, therapists, etc….none of whom never understood me nor cared to. a waste of money and time to say the least, but a lesson learned and I grew from it. that’s what life is about….

I have been reading Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma and of course I have realized that the symptoms of many ‘mental illnesses’ are absolutely 100% identical to the symptoms of trauma. and I have a lot of trauma in my life, not just the brutal rape. The obvious cases of trauma being war, sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse, loss of a loved one, etc. But I was surprised by the lesser known cases of trauma and I encourage you to read his book if you haven’t already or one similar.

while working on a job recently, a girl turned me onto a beautiful center here in town. it’s a sexual assault center. my first appointment was earlier this week. i nervously walked in and was immediately overwhelmed by a beautiful, caring and loving energy unlike anything I have ever experienced at a place like this before. i will get more into it at another time, but let me just say, it is a wonderful place. and i received a grant so my first 8 sessions are free, after that, sliding scale. not sure how i’ll afford it then, but I will find a way. what matters here is: these people CARE. they do not medicate you. they HEAL you.

during my first session i did 90% of the talking (not uncommon during a first visit) but when my therapist was able to get a word in she brought up dissociation and a form of esp…something I will also get into at another time. (my intuition has grown much stronger over the years and she explained why) but as i sat in her office staring at the toys, the window covered with children’s artwork and drawings…i cried….tears of joy and sadness. through the window I could see children doing their ‘play therapy’ in the beautiful yard. i cried because i wish i had that experience earlier (but have also learned there are no regrets in life, at least that’s my belief) and i cried tears of sadness knowing what these children have been through.

i made it very clear to my therapist, i am anti-meds in my case. especially after 20 years of the meds making me sicker and masking the real issue: trauma. luckily, she is too. i told her the meds I’ve been on that I can remember: Seroquel, Abilify, Paxil, Prozac, Lamictal, Effexor, Celexa, etc. she told me i’d be surprised to know how many young children come in to see her who are on 6-8 meds and it saddens her. i told her i am fully aware of the child bipolar, etc. epidemic. i told her it angers and saddens me. HOWEVER, my dear how it was refreshing to see a place like this where children are loved and nurtured. they are not medicated. my therapist believes fully in creativity and I could see it everywhere. I didn’t see a diploma in her office but instead toys and books and games. even though i know she has a degree…that doesn’t matter. what matters is her heart and what this center is doing.

anyway, i don’t have much energy for more right now. (i haven’t had any energy lately and my mind has been numb) i will end by saying…i am so thankful for this opportunity and i KNOW it’s going to work. i also know it won’t be easy. and so, I haven’t been reading blogs, the news, etc…like I normally do because I’m focusing on me right now. I must do so in order to heal. I have also been escaping by playing games but I believe that is a result of 2 months of non-stop work and the nature of this therapy I’m receiving. That escapism will end as I get further along in therapy.

and in the end….i will hopefully be free of 21 long years of trauma and paralyzing pain.

my love to you all.

Breaking news in the Seroquel debacle May 21, 2009

I’ve been following this for far too long…I had to post something. PLEASE click on this link as Furious Seasons has been covering this story in great detail for quite a long time.

FS sums it up best: AstraZeneca Exec Admits “Fuck-Ups” In Seroquel Study, Published Article.

I wish I could comment more, but I can’t. I’m about to delve into some heavy sexual abuse therapy. I have found a wonderful, loving, compassionate place and I’m feeling very hopeful for the first time in a long time. I’ll be facing the trauma/rape I experienced at 15. Although this will be a very painful process, my hope is, I will come out stronger, healthier and happier. I am still traveling the alternative path after ‘waking up’ and seeing/experiencing the dangers of the many medications I have been prescribed and taken for nearly 20 years. Seroquel being the worst. You can find my experiences with Seroquel by simply searching here but first, please click on the link mentioned above and well, yeah, just do it.

MedWatch May 18, 2009

still taking a break but i just received this email from the FDA and found it interesting:

MedWatch- The FDA Safety Information and Adverse Event Reporting Program

The April 2009 posting includes 65 drug products with safety labeling changes to the following sections: BOXED WARNING, CONTRAINDICATIONS, WARNINGS, PRECAUTIONS, ADVERSE REACTIONS, PATIENT PACKAGE INSERT, and MEDICATION GUIDE.

The “Summary Page” provides a listing of drug names and safety labeling sections revised: http://www.fda.gov/medwatch/safety/2009/apr09_quickview.htm

The “Detailed View Page” identifies safety labeling sections and subsections revised along with a brief summary of new or modified safety information to the BOXED WARNING, CONTRAINDICATIONS, and/or WARNINGS sections: http://www.fda.gov/medwatch/safety/2009/apr09.htm

The following 45 drugs had modifications to the BOXED WARNING, CONTRAINDICATIONS, and WARNINGS sections:

Extraneal, Remicade, Orap, Prevpac, Soma Compund, Aleve, Aleve Liquid Gels, Aleve-D Sinus & Cold, Axert, Carbatrol, Celontin, Depakene, Depakote, Depakote ER, Depakote Sprinkle, Depo-Medrol, Dilantin, Doribax, Enlon Plus, Equetro, Exjade, Felbatol, Gabitril, Heparin Solium injection, Ibuprofen, Kaletra, Keppra/Keppra XR, Klonipin, Lamictal, Lyrica, Midol, Motrin, Children’s Motrin Cold, Mysoline, Neurontin, Peganone, Sarafem, Stavzor, Tarceva, Tegretol, Topamax, Tranxene, Treanda, Tridione, Trileptal, Zarontin, Zonegran

click here for the detailed view.